No Good News – Black is Back
Lock up your daughters! Conrad Black is back in town (Dammit, Séamus, I said cue Boys Are Back In Town)! Now that Conrad Black is released from prison and returned to Canada, the question of the moment is whether he can, or should, regain the Canadian citizenship he renounced in order to accept a...
No Good News – Wildrose Sand
I‘m as surprised as you are that Alberta has elections. I’ve always considered their opposition to democracy very progressive, or at the very least, honest. Ontario, on the other hand, is like a bowl of Froot Loops where the Froot Loops have been replaced by lies. It’s like we hadn’t figured anything out...
No Good News – Iceland
(Bjork & Tricky, Bjork & Goldie, Bjork & Matthew Barney) Looking at Bjork’s choice in mate from then until now is like looking into a spiral of cascading intolerability. Yeah, I just said that Goldie is more tolerable than Matthew Barney. Need proof? UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m not going to tell you that I think that Goldie...
No Good News – Women’s Rights, Titanic and America
Well, I’m glad the Globe and Mail finally came out and said which member of Pink Floyd they prefer, even if it was in an editorial insisting that Argentina has no business in the Falklands. What year is this, anyway? I believe an argument is weak when it ends with “We always preferred David Gilmour...
No Good News – Easter
There truly is a God, a majority of Post readers declare. Does Conrad Black know? If there’s one thing worse than speculative prattle from the paid staff of a newspaper, it’s speculative prattle that the readers of said newspaper concocted themselves that a member of the staff of the newspaper is then paid to assemble...
No Good News – The Penny
WOW. Something happened this week that managed to outdo Margaret Wente telling us her life is better than ours and Conrad Black saying he is a “guest” of the United States. Oh fine, here’s a couple of quotes from Canada’s finest wordsmiths to tide you over before I tell you what happened that was such...
No Good News – An Open Letter to Marcus Gee
Dear Marcus Gee, Can we talk? Your column has been bothering me. I’m used to Margaret Wente writing the worst columns in the Globe every week. This week, you have outdone her. Wagging your finger at voters. Trying to mask your “I told you so” as genuine disappointment. Tailoring your column to student-types who’ll share...
No Good News – Mackenzie
Robocalls, will you ever win? Just a robot, trying to live day to day, barely making it work at both ends with a burning candle with every Canadian’s phone number on it, in a hard world made of non-robots who have never read any Isaac Asimov… Look, I’m going to level with you. I don’t...
No Good News – Gayish Penguins and Computer Dogs
They did it. African penguins Buddy and Pedro have been nesting and breeding “actively” with their female mates, the Toronto Zoo confirmed Friday in a statement announcing the birth of a penguin chick. I’m not sure what’s funnier: leading off the story about a baby penguin (chick is sexist) with “They did it” or the...
No Good News – Putin!
Vladimir Putin, Russian prime minister, judo expert, thug and probable supervillain, is the winner in an election North Americans could only describe as “democratic”: Vladimir Putin won a resounding victory in Russia’s presidential election on Sunday, exit polls showed, securing a new six-year term in the Kremlin and a mandate to deal with opposition protests...
No Good News – Robocalls
What’s funnier than the idea of robocalls? Serving up excuses is funny. Conrad Black calling Republican candidates “clowns” is funny. So is using the phrase “Master of disaster” outside of stunts or wrestling. Oh yeah, Toronto’s mayor got a radio show and that was hilarious. The way every journalist freaks the fuck out about pitbulls...
No Good News – A Special Dedication
I want to dedicate this week’s No Good News to Toronto Sun Cover Reviews, which played no small part in me figuring out how to be funny about something as upsetting as the news and public opinion. While I’m at it, consider that The Sun constantly claims that they don’t kowtow to the government or...
