Absorbing Canada

America will absorb Canada in the name of Freedom for all.

It is safe to say World War III is finally approaching. It seems like forever ago these predictions started appearing.  (Early 1946.)

As a world, I think we’re ready for it. I mean, you can’t prepare for destruction so massive the world will be forever changed, but it’s about time something like this happened.


(Pic via InvadeCanada.US)

Here’s why.

America would be so much better if it was bigger. What if North America was just called – America? That would save map inkers like, five letters on every printed atlas in schools across America (Atlases in American Schools. Ha!). United States and Provinces of America doesn’t quite have the chant-ability a good country needs, but ‘can’t find a chant’ has never been an American problem.

It’s not about the maple syrup or the beaver tails or Mounties. It’s about the land mass. It’s about the border with Russia. It’s about the mineral deposits under the ice. It’s about the clean water. It’s also about oil, believe it or not.  Some might say the Canadians were making the Americans look bad by side-stepping the financial crisis.

Canada would never agree to this kind of amalgamation though. Rumor has it, they kind of hate the American way of living. Canadians probably hate the US because it is way more awesome than Canada, but there might be some actual reasons Canada would be against the merger. They enjoy effective health care system for all, low murder rates, equal rights and their overall disinterest in racism. That’s right. Canada again side-stepped the perpetual discussion of race inequality by eliminating slavery from the get-go. (Probably around the time they deemed it not awesome to own so many guns.)

Let me rephrase that. Canada would never agree to this kind of amalgamation in the world as we know it right now.  Let’s just take a few massive leaps of the imagination and get to the place where Canada would be willing to consider this kind of amalgamation – not just consider – but practically beg for this kind of amalgamation.

The United States wouldn’t absorb Canada unless it was in the name of Freedom.

Here’s a couple interesting facts. Canada has one of the most lackadaisical immigration policies on the planet because they need taxpayers to support their generous (read: socialist (not really – but that’s what Republicans will read)) social security system. Canada is how the 9/11 box-cutter wielding pilots got into the US and did what they did.

There’s also the cold war artifact: “The Russians are coming. The Russians are coming.”  Canada has a massive ice border with the Russians.  There is a massive dispute going on over the land under the North Pole which Canada shouldn’t be fighting without America. The US has been showing Canada how to handle the Russians since Lake Placid’s (and Disney’s) Miracle On Ice.

Are those really reasons for Canada to want an amalgamation? No, but they are kind of motivators for the US to take a more careful watch of the ‘True North, Strong and Free”, especially with the rising US / Russian tensions with the possibility of obliterating Syria being discussed. Canada has unarmed polar bears patrolling the Northern Border. Not good enough.

There are many people speculating the US Economy will not be able to sustain itself for the rest of Obama’s term. Another poorly handled war (Obama has never claimed to be a War President) would put them further in debt, but it would also kickstart the economy. “Thanks World War II.” Said post-depression-era America.

Okay. Okay.  Sure it would be convenient for the US if they were just in charge of Canada, but what would it take to get the Canadians to agree to it?

What do Americans have that Canadians don’t? A military. What would it take to get the Canadians to need the American’s support militarily? Easy answer:  A war. Provoked by an attack on their soil. An unexpected attack carried out by someone (possibly a patsy) who waltzed in through their lubricated immigration system bringing with them their do-it-yourself nuclear capabilities.

Canada would be begging for America to save the day and restore their freedom. That sounds like a job for Captain America. It might cause them to try on a bit of “U! S! A!” chanting, but it wouldn’t make them American.

The necessary catalyst for the absorbing of Canada by the Americans could only happen after the US financial system is completely wiped out in an explosion that flattens the city of Toronto, Ontario, the financial capital of Canada. The kind of explosion Donald Rumsfeld made sure he mentioned a couple times on his visit to The Daily Show. (Look it up.)

Toronto is producing more high rise condominiums this year than the next five cities combined. I bet foreign owners of Toronto based high rise condominium would collect massive insurance payments if they were brought down like that final scene in Fight Club.

Canada would be a hungry, wounded, orphaned, hungry and looking for a Big Brother to protect them and restore their precious socialism. Actually, they’d probably say something like “Fuck socialism! Let’s vote for Dick Cheney, eh!” He likes war.

Do you think I’m wrong?  Please leave your comments in the space provided.

About Mark Bethune

Mark Bethune is a writer / director recently returned to Toronto after a number of years in various countries. www.markbethune.com has more of his work. Say hello if you'd like.