Seven years ago, something incredible happened to me. I’ve told this story only a handful of times and nobody ever believes me.not even my closest friends, those assholes.
My story starts on the night of my 20th birthday: August 8, 2006. I was a sophomore at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in New York State, but was celebrating my birthday with some of my friends back home in Toronto, Ontario. My friends had a dorm at U of T and since I didn’t really like any of the weird fucks at RPI, they offered their dorm as the venue for my birthday. Naturally, I accepted their offer.
At this point, I should probably point out that I had no business being at a school like RPI. It’s not exactly Oxford but it was definitely way out of my league. I basically went there because I heard the girls were hot and the beer was cheap. I was taking mechanical engineering and somehow managed to scrape through my 1st year. I was by no means a wonder student—unless getting through 1st year of university without being kicked out qualified as a wonder. Anyways, I digress…
So I went over to my buddy’s dorm with nothing but a 2-4 and my skateboard and I pretty much plowed through the 2-4 in record speed. By the time people started arriving at this party, I was pretty hammed. I kept getting drinks handed to me, girls started offering to let me do body shots off of them and things started getting a little too rowdy for the dorm room. We all decided to move the party to the campus bar but I was so wasted I couldn’t walk—I could skateboard—but I couldn’t walk. My friend’s room was on the second floor of the dorm and the only way out was down 30 ridiculously steep stairs.
Naturally, my intoxicated brain thought it would be a great idea to take the wheels and trucks off of my skateboard and stair surf my way down. I named this newly invented sport ‘Sturfing’. Some of my friends thought it was funny, some of my friends got scared for my well-being, but all of my friends ended up letting me try. Through the cheers, jeers, and pleas for my safety, I pointed at each and every one of them from the top of the stairwell, told them to suck my hairy balls and then started my skid downwards. Everybody was laughing at me and telling me I wouldn’t make it, but, I nailed it. I don’t know how I did it, but I did. And on the first try too!
As I got to the bottom of the stairs, I felt a weird tingling sensation and started seeing bright flashes of light. At first, I thought I was having a stroke. But the instant I got to the bottom and hopped off my board, I noticed that everything had changed. The stairwell was still there, but it was roped off behind me and wasn’t attached to anything–It was just a bunch of stairs leading to nowhere. The land around me looked arid and dry, like I was in one of those annoying Christian Children’s Fund commercials, and the sky was a dirty grey smudge of smog and ash.
My friends were gone. Instead, I was surrounded by some wackjobs wearing silver trousers and white blazers. Some dude, who looked like the supreme overlord of these weirdos, wheeled a chalkboard in front of me with all sorts of math on it that I didn’t understand. He immediately started shaking my hand, telling me that he had been expecting me and started telling me some shit about the amount of stairs and the angle of incline I just went down. I don’t know. I was pretty drunk so I wasn’t really listening.
Basically, what he said was that when I invented ‘Sturfing’ and attempted this specific stairwell with such a ridiculous slope–and made it on the first try–I had done something that had such a low probability of success that it caused a tear in the space-time continuum and teleported me 314 years into the future. I had invented time travel.
Naturally, I did what anybody else in my shoes would have done: I puked up most of the beer I had drank and passed out.
Apparently, my achievement the night of my birthday was unique. It was apparently so difficult to do that, out of the millions who tried to replicate my Sturf, only a handful had survived. Of those who did survive, none had managed to complete the run without enduring severe physical injury. Nobody had ever managed to time travel again.
After I successfully completed my Sturf and entered the inter-dimensional space-time whatever, a huge legal battle erupted between U of T and RPI. RPI tried to claimed that they should have the rights to the ‘Time Machine’ (a.k.a. my wheel-less skateboard), because they were the ones who provided me with ‘the technical education that allowed me to build it’. Conversely, U of T argued that since they ‘provided the laboratory settings’ (a.k.a. the unsafely steep stairwell), that they were the ones who should have the rights to the ‘Time Machine.’
As if this weren’t stupid enough, the ensuing legal battle went on for 100 years. The general population started taking sides, donating money and protesting in the streets. As the only two universities with a claim to inventing time travel, RPI and U of T became so popular, so legendary, that they were the only two schools in the world that people wanted to attend.
Within a relatively short amount of time, the power and popularity that these universities gained from my Sturf, and the resulting legal battle, elevated them to the status of governing bodies, replacing the faltering democracies of the world under a united, and heavily supported bipartisan banner. Eventually, the protests turned to riots, the students turned to soldiers and the legal battle turned into World War 3.
This 3rd World War waged on for 214 years, with both sides turning the planet into a wasteland. The understanding that was gained through the mathematical foundation that explained my Sturf facilitated the development and construction of ever-ridiculous war machines. Forget A.I. controlled tanks and attack planes; those would basically be Tonka toys in comparison to some of these terminators.
Humans figured out how to build Virtual War Machines that existed in the real world: holographic representations of whatever they wanted, that could materialize at any given place, at any point in time, and wreak havoc on an instant battlefield. They did it through an extension of Einstein’s principle of matter and energy being interchangeable, except they also applied it to some other fundamental element of the universe. Basically, they found out that it wasn’t just matter and energy that were interchangeable, but matter, energy and time itself that were all interchangeable with each other.
Eventually, these future people figured out that they could defend against temporal attacks by building domes that maintained what they referred to as ‘artificial space-time.’ They created a man-made bubble of space-time that existed separately from the rest of the universe and couldn’t be manipulated by the other side. How they got all this from a drunk guy Sturfing down some stairs, I will never know.
After both sides figured out how to create these defense bubbles, neither could just ‘create an army’ in the heart of the enemy civilization. The focus shifted to maintaining undefended warzones and trying to deplete the enemy power reserves enough to slip in attacks where they could. The only problem was that both sides had more than enough power to wage a million of these wars. It pretty much became a 200 year virtual killing field. I’m not sure why they made the virtual soldiers scream when they died, but they did. Let me tell you, I got to see some of this shit, and it was pretty much like watching the best war movie ever.
I wasn’t just responsible for the coolest war in the history of the world though. I was also responsible for creating the two most popular religions. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true! Both universities devoted a massive amount of resources to calculating exactly what had happened, why it had happened and where I would rematerialize; but they couldn’t agree on exactly when I would rematerialize.
This disagreement, which apparently was by one ten hundred billionths of a nanosecond (which by the way was too small of a time frame for even these advanced civilizations to physically measure), was apparently the basis for what became the two most prominent religions in the world. The event of my rematerialization, to these people, was basically the most significant scientific and religious event since man learned how to masturbate.
Both sides tried to claim the rights to my re-appearance. But in the end, since I rematerialized on U of T property, RPI couldn’t do a damn thing. As a show of good faith, U of T built one of those space-time complexes right on the edge of what were now the only two countries in the still livable world: the Amalgamated and United Territories of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (AUTRPI) and The Country of Toronto. This dome was kept on a separate power source from the ones the other two universities were using (I guess that somehow made it neutral to either side) and became my home for the month or so that I was there.
The day after I rematerialized was rough. I was nursing my hangover in my specially constructed quarters with delegates from each side and I could feel the tension in the room skyrocketing. These people hated each other. Aside from telling me the past 300 years of human history and arguing over every minute detail, they also kept asking me all of these questions about ‘how I calculated this’ or ‘how I accounted for some variance’ or something. I kept telling them I didn’t know and that they needed to shut up because I had a wicked hangover, but nobody seemed to care. By the end of the day, they were basically ignoring me and screaming at each other, threatening total annihilation. Quite frankly, I was sick of their bullshit and told them that if I was going to be stuck in the future with a bunch of losers who wanted to blow each other up, they needed to give me a beer. To my surprise, they had no idea what I was asking for.
Apparently, so many resources had been dumped into funding the 3rd world war that every brewery in the world had shut down. Over the course of battle, the breweries themselves were abandoned– seen as a hindrance to the war effort–then forgotten and eventually destroyed.
Not willing to accept the fact that beer wasn’t a possibility in the future, I decided to make a stand. Suddenly the problems these people had became glaringly clear to me: they were all a bunch of sorry, sober, bastards that needed to get wasted.
When I first brought up the topic of building a brewery, neither side was receptive. I decided that the only way to get anything done was to use my ‘religious figure’ status, and my experience brewing my own beer, to get these wackos to do it. And, just to add a little bit of that religious retribution bullshit I always heard about in Sunday school, I didn’t just push for enough beer for myself; I pushed them to build a brewery so massive that everybody on the planet could get drunk as all hell.
To my surprise, they did it.
Involving some sort of extension of their cease-fire, and combining their resources and workers, they succeeded in building a brewery big enough to supply beer to the world’s population. Based on the need to combine resources, they chose a spot that was right on the border of both territories, so that both countries would own it. It was the first building in over a century that was built outside of any military defense system.
They had to pour so much of their collective money and resources into the effort, that the war was immobilized. Soldiers were ordered to serve as brewmasters, ‘hard ammunition’ was melted down to make fermenting vessels, and computers and robots had to be programmed to serve a purpose other than killing people on massive scales. I know this sounds ridiculous by our standards – how could a super-intelligent future civilization have trouble building a computerized brewery? For these people, this was a huge deal. Nothing like this had been done for centuries! I honestly felt like I was demonstrating some sort of long lost black magic by showing them how to get drunk.
It only took a month before the first batch was ready to drink and, oh boy, did we drink. It was about 30 minutes before most of the ambassadors got annihilated and passed out. Not wanting to drink alone, I complained to the remaining delegates that there needed to be some heavyweights in here and I wound up getting military Generals, Admirals and even the two Presidents to join me for some drinks. Even the security detail eventually calmed down and had a few. It was actually pretty cool to see these people starting to get along. Not because I cared about their well-being or anything, but because it meant that I had brewed some damn good beer.
After much drunken revelry that made no sense but somehow everyone understood completely, everybody in the room started telling me that if I could demonstrate how I Sturfed down the stairs, that from this point forward, they would focus their resources into brewing beer instead of waging wars.
Now, at this point, I had probably put half a keg into my face. I didn’t really give a fuck about world peace, I just heard some weird super nerds issue a challenge to me. Not wanting to look like a sissy ass bitch that couldn’t handle his beer, I accepted the challenge. I grabbed my skateboard (which was still sans trucks and wheels) and paraded everyone over to the stairwell. Everybody laughed and yelled at me as I made my way up, saying I couldn’t do it. I told them to suck my hairy balls and started my skid into the history books. As I got down to the bottom, I saw the lights and felt the tingling – just like the first time. Before I knew it I was at the bottom of the stairs, and looking around at all of my friends from 314 years earlier who were looking right back at me with dumbfounded expressions on their faces. Within seconds they were all cheering and patting me on the back.
The first person I came face-to face with was Brittany. I’d had a huge crush on this girl since I met her. Jesus, she was hot, and had an attitude that made you want to want her. I pretty much saw her and, spur of the moment, started making out with her right there. Before I knew it she had pushed herself away and was staring at me with this incredibly offended expression on her face. As I looked at her, wondering what I had done wrong, wondering how in the hell someone like her could push someone like me away, I realized that nobody knew what I had just accomplished.
Thinking I could win over her heart by explaining the ordeal I had just been through, my drunk mind started the sentence by slurring together something to the effect of ‘Did you see that? I’m like Jesus,’ to which she responded ‘Easy there, Adrian Brody. It’s not like you won an Oscar or anything…’
It was at this point that I finally understood the magnitude of what was happening. I had travelled back to the exact moment from which I had originally Sturfed and nobody fucking knew what happened. That, and I was way too drunk to talk my way into getting laid.
Sadly, nobody ever believes me when I tell them I travelled into the future, became the Jesus of two different religions, invented beer, averted a nuclear holocaust and ushered in a new era of world peace. I don’t even tell this story to people anymore. I thought I would put it to paper here just so I can officially go on record as claiming this as an achievement. You may call me crazy now, but in 300 or so years, you’ll see.
Well…you probably won’t personally see it, but you know what I mean.