No Good Bands – Kanye

Kanye West is the best example of everything that is wrong with celebrities because he’s the worst. And he’s the worst because he thinks he’s amazing and people believe him. But let me ask you this: would a non-moron have a baby with Kim Kardashian? Would that baby have a name that is a humourless pun? Would Kim Kardashian be famous if she hadn’t have let Ray J videotape them having the most boring sex anyone has ever had in front of a video camera?

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Here’s what else I hate about Kanye: he has the worst flow of any rapper ever, and I’m including the guy from C + C Music Factory.

freedom williams

Kanye CANNOT rap. At all. He’s the worst rapper of all time. He’s worse than Shifty from Crazy Town. He’s worse than when Geddy Lee raps in that one Rush song. He’s worse than when Warren Beatty raps in Bulworth. He’s worse than what your dad imagines when he says he calls rap music “crap music”.

I’m not sure why this one has a minute of the saddest piano in the world before it turns into the worst 2 Unlimited song anybody has ever heard. Also, “All Of The Lights?” Did Kanye write this using a MadLibs book?  Similarly, Rihanna wants you to see ALL OF THE LIGHTS. For example, fast cars or shooting stars. Does anyone look around when they leave the house? And here is some of Kanye’s fucking horrible lyric writing: “Something wrong/ I hold my head/ MJ gone, our nigga dead!” That’s what people mean when they say “write what you know”. Side note: why is it that the second MJ died everyone forgot all the creepy shit he was doing to little kids? Is that all OJ has to do? Turn into a weird white lady and then die? And what is Kanye thinking when he raps? Does he want to battle Snap! And lose? Not to spend too long talking about the piano here, but just because Tupac got away with a Bruce Hornsby sample one time doesn’t mean that Bruce Hornsby piano is a great idea that should be in every song.

A man and his scarves! Did Kanye wear so many scarves in this video because he was trying to level with Chris Martin? I think it’s 100% accurate to say nothing Chris Martin has ever done has ever been cool. Including Gwyneth Paltrow. Or the trailer to the motion picture Peter Pan. And that “Lo de odie oh!” he tosses in around the 2:57 mark has got to be the worst reggae-inspired British dude scatting since anything The Police ever squeezed out of their butts (yes, I’m saying The Police are spiders). Also, did anyone else find the shots of Common distracting? Like, “Oh man, there might be a good flow in this one.” And then, nothing. Just more Chris Martin.

The beat in this one sounds like he turned on his Casio keyboard and said, “PERFECT. I AM PERFECT. I AM KANYE AND I AM A GENIUS TODAY AND EVERY DAY.” Which is exactly how he writes his flows. He raps like a grandmother in an Adam Sandler movie. And why does he say “You can’t tell me nothing” three times? Did he forget the rest of what he was going to say and then listen back and think, “THAT’S THE BEST PART OF MY NOBEL PRIZE WINNING AWESOME SONG”? Well, Kanye, here’s the truth: there are no best parts to this song, because all the parts are the worst. Your rapping is garbage, the beat is like if I took a bunch of sleeping pills and started opening up those birthday cards that play music, the chorus is like three drunk Kanyes met in a bar and recognized each other and decided to write a song in the cab on their way to a hotel to have a Kanye threeway, and watching the video is like sitting in a dentist’s waiting room because you showed up a half hour early to get fillings.

The further we go down this Kanye road, the worse it gets. “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags”? What does he mean? Oh, I get it: I’m supposed to run away. Because I’m 14 years old and nobody at this school gets me, right Kanye? Right? How about this: youth culture has always been a dumb idea because even the handful of times young people happen to be right about things, it’s totally by mistake. As I’m writing this, I’m only 4 minutes into this 9 minute epic video (which you can turn off. In fact, do that. I’m going to tell you what else happens in the video: ballerinas. There, done) and so far, I can’t imagine what is in this song that justifies its length. There’s a minute of song here. A minute of useless, stupid, unlistenable song. If this is what millennials are into and they’re going to run the world, then this is worse than in Logan’s Run where people just get killed when they turn 30. This song is more self-indulgent than side 3 of The Wall. This song is more self-indulgent than anything Meat Loaf has ever done. This song is more self-indulgent than Kanye making a real doll of himself, fucking it, and then selling it on eBay for a billion dollars.

Lou Reed thinks Yeezus is an amazing record; that makes sense, because he also though LuLu was an amazing record. Kanye thinks Yeezus is an amazing record because he titled a song “I Am God” and because it sounds like industrial music, which I think he thinks nobody listens to. Did he wear black cargo pants while he recorded this? This is like the secret best Nitzer Ebb record, which is still going to be the worst record. At least with the production sounding like a recent Ministry album, he can get away with rapping like he’s a guy who collects serial killer trading cards making fun of rap. Also, terrifying industrial music is the perfect production for a song where you say “Hurry up with my damn croissants”.

al jourgenson

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]