No Good Bands NXNE 2013 – Part 2

GT. DANE

God, I am SO SICK of whispery vocals. What the shit are you people doing?!? It’s not that there are too many whispery vocals, it’s that they’re always bad.

gt dane

Imagery is tricky. You can’t just describe a room that doesn’t exist because it’s pretty sounding. And it’s not that I hold the ideal of beauty against anyone- God bless ’em- it’s that I hate that the ideal of beauty involves so many dumb cliches. Like Catholic imagery. Or lines like “Desires, like fires, won’t stop torturing me to sleep.” Buddy! Snap one off into a tube sock and catch some ZZZs! Stop filling notebooks with sexual innuendo- just dry hump somebody already. It’s not like Michelangelo is going to make sex happen.

michelangelo

Songwriters in their 20s always sing things like “24 years” as though that’s a long time. It isn’t. 54 years is a long time. That’s what makes the blues so good.

rev-gary-davis

The singer was dressed like a captain in 1981, and his backup singer was dressed as a goth. It’s like the Captain fired Tenille. What is with this goth Blossom look, anyway? Can we fix retro? Anybody? And I never want to hear a joke about a guitar’s G string ever again. Make THAT happen. Or this one: “This is an experimental song called Tuning.” To be fair, Goth Tenille saved that one by saying, “It was written by Philip Glass, who also wrote the Thong Song,” so my review of Goth Tenille is 10/10.

blossom

I always feel like serious songwriters are missing the point somehow. It’s like being dishonest about your sense of humour. And death isn’t pretty. It’s like it is in death metal songs: horrible, brutal, scary. I didn’t mean for this to become a manifesto for curing sad music, but there you go. This live show would have made a great album for me when I was 23 and sadly doing dishes because my girlfriend dumped me and a) she was “the one” except never in a million years was it going to work out and b) I’m acting like somehow it’s her fault that she dumped me. Hey! I just deconstructed love songs!

SHOOTING GUNS

Shooting Guns- who played to a packed, into it audience- played 2 notes for a million years, and not in a good way. Sludgy doom metal shouldn’t be what you do just because you can’t do technical stuff. It’s more of a “won’t” than a “can’t”. That’s how metal works.

shooting guns

If all of your songs sound the same (duh, it’s doom), you need singing. Otherwise it’s just BRNNN BRNNN BRNNN BRRRRNNN. Or, bring a guy to do BMX tricks. This would be a great soundtrack to a guy doing BMX tricks. Even atmospheric keyboards couldn’t save these guys from just playing the same 2 notes at different speeds. Were they playing NXNE because they hoped to find a singer?

dio

I bet no-one in this band ever doesn’t know how the song goes. “Do you know that one that goes jud jaaaah, jud jaaah, jud jud jud jaaaaah?” “How else does it go?” “That’s it.” “Oh, I know that one.” I’m not sure why this isn’t jamming, wait, of course that’s all it is. Do they practice? How do they tell their own songs apart? There weren’t even any  face-melting solos. They played for what felt like the duration of my entire twenties.

The keyboard player was like a kid trying to drive a car- sooner or later, he’s going to put it in reverse and dad’s premium is going to go up. Here’s how I imagine this band started:

Guy #1- What’s our band going to sound like?

Guy #2- I got it: just the intro part of a song but for the whole song.

Guy #1- Dude that’s brutal.

And here’s the sheet music that they follow:

DRNDRN DRN DRN

DRNDRN DRN DRN

DRRNN DRRNN

DRRNN DRNNN

BWAAAAAAAHHHHW

(repeat)

They should change their name to “Bad Sabbath”

DEVAH QUARTET

All I want to know is, whose genius idea was “Wah Violin”?

devah quartet

Heavy metal classical has never worked, even though it looks good on paper. Hang on, I’m looking at it on paper right now, and it looks as terrible as it sounds. It also looks like violin poses. Here are some violin poses:

Stand sideways, look at crowd, arch eyebrow as if to say “sirs and madams?”

Lunge as if fencing

Lord Of The Dance across the stage

Legs akimbo and sway

Duelling Violins

And here are some cello poses- none. There are none. There are no cello poses.

As a result of the lack of decent ways to look cool while playing string instruments, I felt that this band needed puppets. That would have been a nice surprise. Speaking of surprises- you know when you go to a jazz club and you think, “well, no surprises here, there’s some jazz”? Is that goth now? Are we out of goth surprises? I swear, one of the goths in the club was just wearing a top hat and a black shirt. Some of the goths were just preppy guys in goth boots- is goth like the Anglican church, where they’re just glad you came?

Their songs- pieces? Songs. Their songs were like the music the Nightbreeds party to in the movie Nightbreed. An ethereal intro, like “Welcome to our lair, of course you’re one of us, OR SOON YOU WILL BE”, and then rock drums kick in and you see a Nightbreed on a swing and another Nightbreed tries to eat you and you think, “Oh, they just want to be different.” AND EVERY GOTH IN THE PLACE RESPONDED THAT WAY. Guys, we are all Nightbreeds.

nightbreed

No, their songs were like when the protagonist makes Satan feel bad so he gets to live again as long as he can find a real sinner to switch with but they show his body getting put back together and he gets dressed in a “back from hell” outfit (leather tuxedo, probably) and walks some hell road with bats out of hell and back to “the city” and years have passed but his house is still intact and he doesn’t care about his stuff because he has to get back with his girlfriend who thinks he’s dead AND find an evil guy to send to hell. I just described every movie made between 1993 and 1998.

the crow

No, their songs were like, OK, bats, I see bats, and then a tree starts pulling the bats out of the sky and then fights another tree and the bats escape! One courageous bat flies into the tree to save his bat friends and deep within the tree is a tiny bat jail, with one of the tree’s inner tendrils clutching a key that the bat pries free with some effort and THEY’RE FREE! Bats fly out of the tree, and some of them don’t make it, but clearly the bats outnumber the tree and they swarm it in a sort of bat tornado that sucks the tree out of the ground, roots and all, and the tree turns to dust.

dust

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]