The World According to God… Pamphlets

Over the past decade I have only rejected one preaching street tyrant handing out “gospel tracts” (God pamphlets). After I passed, I immediately regretted it. My life’s religious readings consist entirely of these tiny packages of enlightenment and I have discovered that the path to Heaven is narrow-minded. So, that one single instance of ignorance in the face of a raving, seemingly ne’er-do-well individual may be exactly what gets me thrown into the Lake of Fire. Especially since the only time that I have repented in life so far, it could very well have been taken as sarcastic.

Regardless of what my fate may be if the world ends as I stroke these words, I have amassed an extensive collection of tiny brochures filled with “knowledge” from all walks of religious life… mostly Christianity… and would like to impart the valuable lessons contained within before the rapture comes.

We’re All Sinners

Adam and Eve screwed up. Well, Eve did. Adam just suffered from the lustful (hungry?) decision of his rib-mate when she ate an apple.

God implanted in Adam and Eve the wonderful gift of free will as part of the human makeup. They were not to be mindless robots. However, their continued happiness depended upon using their free will in the right way – to obey God’s laws. Misuse of free will would result in catastrophe, since humans were not created to be successful independent of God

-From All Suffering SOON TO END!

Soon to End 2

Remember kids, don’t eat apples. Also, while God didn’t make you a mindless robot without the ability to make decisions on your own, don’t do anything that God doesn’t want you to. Sure, He can eat as many apples as he wants, and they’re just going to go bad otherwise, but our job is to use our free will to obey.

So, God cast Adam and Eve out of Eden because they (Eve) created original sin and ruined it for everyone. Now we can’t help it.

Every person is born with the sin nature and will someday die because death came by sin

-From The Way to God

Women. Am I right, fellas?

In eating the apple from the Tree of Life, Eve set the human race off into a dark world of greed, war, infidelity and homosexuality. As this image from “The Beast” so clearly illustrates:

Life Today
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Fret not, dear sinner, for there is hope! The following quotes can be found in a little gem called “Where are You Going to Spend Eternity?”:

To be saved, you first must admit that you are a sinner.

I am a sinner.

Friend, your sins have made you fall short of God’s glory, and you are unable to meet His requirements for getting into heaven.

Shit. So, what’s a human to do if he just wants to use his free will to obey God in a totally non-robot-like way?

From The Ten Commandments (For Children)
From The Ten Commandments (For Children)

Don’t Want Slaves, Donkeys or Creepy Angry Little Girls, got it. You may be asking “But what if somebody else has a really great slave or donkey? Am I still held accountable for simply wanting it?” The quick and Catholic answer is yes. However, there’s more in “Where are You Going to Spend Eternity?”:

When Jesus died on the cross, His blood paid the penalty for your sins.

What a man!

Realize that you cannot do anything to earn or help earn your way to heaven. Jesus already completely paid for it when he died on the cross.

In other words and in complete contradiction to all of the fear I’ve instilled in you above, Jesus died for all of us. If we sin, we still win, so what’s the fuss? Just be sure to give JC props or something when you see him in the H-house.

The World is Going to End… Soon!

CCI050913_0004

The Four Horsemen are coming, and they’re going to give Jesus a run for his money. From what I have gathered, all hell (not the literal one) will reign down on the Jews, but the second coming of Christ (third or fourth or whatever) will essentially lay waste to everything. It will be an all out rumble that will put every Schwarzenegger movie combined to shame. Of course, there will be purpose to this carnal, explosive action.

The “new earth” will be a righteous society of people living on earth, and the “new heavens” will be a perfect heavenly kingdom, or government, that will rule over this earthly society of people.

-From Life in a Peaceful New World

“[God] will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.”-Revelation 21:4.

-From All Suffering SOON TO END! 

In God’s new world, no longer will people be crammed into huge apartment buildings or run-down slums, for God has purposed: “They will certainly build houses and have occupancy.”… “They will not toil for nothing.”(Isaiah 65:21-23)

-From Life in a Peaceful New World

Sounds pretty great, I know. Even better…

God’s word assures us: “No resident will say: ‘I am sick.’” (Isaiah 33:24)

-From Life in a Peaceful New World

Can you imagine how much clutter would be cleared from everyone’s Facebook feeds if people stopped saying they were sick?! I’m almost too excited.

Unfortunately, the world will have to endure great pain before our bearded, sandal-wearing, double machete-wielding (I assume) hero arrives to bring in the new order.

Satan Pope
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Holy cow. That one guy totally called the Pope out on being Satan! If he’s lucky, Satan Pope will show him some mercy.

This series, from “The Beast”, outlines the scary near-distant future of humanity. Surprisingly, it seems that Pope Benedict isn’t whom these wise parchments are referring to.

Barcodes
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He will mark all of our heads with barcodes. Barcodes that represent our subservience to Satan Pope, without which we will not be able to participate in society. Some of my regular readers may recall my concluding prediction about what would replace Hipsters and my research on the of end of days. I’m not going to take credit yet, but…

For those who do not adorn their faces with tattooed barcodes, it gets worse.

Guillotine Buggy
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If we’re caught without one, we will be executed in a 3-wheeled guillotine buggy. While adorable, their size and cost-effectiveness will mean that they’re pretty much everywhere! After some time, we will either starve or adhere to the new style-less face tattoo policy.

Then shit gets real…

Witches
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I’ve read LUCIFER DETHRONED and I must say that it’s perhaps the most compelling true story of an ex-vampire I’ve ever set my eyes on. And I’ve read them all!

After letting demonic goat-headed men, werewolves, vampires and balding Vulcans pillage the world for a century or two, the sky finally opens up.

Then JC kicks their asses.

Hell Is Real

Hell Is Real

Let’s fast track this part. Just trust me that all of this comes from pamphlets containing the glorious word of our lord and saviour, Jesus-God.

Before you get to hell, you’ve got to go to heaven. There everyone who has ever lived, sinner or no, will be brought before Jesus Christ and his paps to wait around for 1,000 years. 1,000 years hanging out with everyone who ever existed… Imagine the party!

After the millennium has passed, and undoubtedly suffering a killer hangover, Jesus will open up the book of life at his dad’s behest and anyone whose name is not inside will be cast into the lake of fire. Essentially making heaven the most exclusive after-hours you’ve never gotten into.

Those who get to stay will get to sit beside Jesus for the rest of time (I hear he’s got great jokes) and the rest of us will be forced to burn with Hitler, Carrot Top and the like. On the plus side for those going to hell, apparently Satan has a ‘No Soliciting’ policy…

… in HELL, you will not have to be bothered by some Christian trying to give you a gospel tract

-From THE BURNING HELL

Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me

The above title, from Billy Corgan lyrics, reflects the broad loss of faith humanity has suffered in the last century or so. A mass confusion has overwhelmed both pious and the satanic alike. But whether you’re smashing infidels or smashing pumpkins the best thing you can do for your soul is embrace contradiction. This is perhaps the most valuable lesson my life as a gospel tract collector has taught me.

… the Word of God teaches that religion is not salvation! The Word of God teachers that you can be religions and miss heaven!

-From Religion or Salvation Which Have You?

There is only one way you can be cleansed from your sins and that is by having the blood of Jesus Christ applied to your heart.

-From The Answer To Your Problems

We cast things away when we no longer need them, but God will never cast us out when we come to Him. He begs us not to go to hell.

-From God Says Please Do Not Go To Hell

“And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast in the lake of fire.” Rev. 20:15

-From The Beast

“God will soon transform the earth into a paradise” – Revelation 21:3, 4

-From Would You Like to Know More About the Bible?

THE WICKED SHALL BE TURNED INTO HELL, AND ALL THE NATIONS THAT FORGET GOD.

-From THE BURNING HELL

Be religious and love Jesus!… That’s not enough… God shall put an end to war… But he likes war… But he loves you… But you must burn if you don’t love his son… Why did she eat that fucking apple?! Stop looking at me, swan!

The End.

About Seamus Gearin

Séamus once found a $100 bill and gave it to the first person who passed by. He's regretted it ever since.