Plenty of (Beautiful?) Fish

Anyone, and everyone, who has ever attempted to find love in the digital meat market can tell you: this is one bazaar where caveat emptor is the watchword du jour.  You never know what you are going to get.  That stunner you’ve been chatting with might actually be a love-starved convict, a tranny, your cousin, or worse…

You should take it for granted that the sexy photos on someone’s OKCupid profile were taken long ago, before gravity and years of chain smoking had time to distort her silhouette or weather his chiseled features. That said, does it really matter if that person you’ve discovered on the other end of the fiber optic cable is your perfect mate?

An optimist might argue that online dating has done more for those searching for true love than it has for those of us, myself especially, who use it as a hunting ground for depraved anonymous sex partners.  By eliminating, or at the very least reducing, our reliance on purely physical metrics of attraction, and focusing in on our common interests and shared dreams, we’ve opened the door to all kinds of relationships that might never have happened if we had instead met at a bar but got distracted by ‘that chick with the smackable ass.’  Moving beyond the obvious false-advertising, online dating gives us the chance to get to know someone on a deeper level, looking beneath their outward beauty (or lack thereof), and get a glimpse of who they really are on the inside.  It’s a laudable goal, but unrealistic.

The cynic’s (realist’s) use of online dating sites is a little different.  Rather than take advantage of the opportunity to find a true companion, they instead treat the website as a catalogue of would-be one night stands, paying no attention at all to the detailed profile information in lieu of a quick glimpse of their photo.  They know all the while that it is highly unrepresentative of the person who will ultimately show up to meet them for coffee, but can’t complain since they are doing the same thing.  My profile picture is of my Photoshopped head on Ryan Gosling’s topless body.

Perhaps the best use of online dating sites, like many social networks, is data aggregation.  Sexy? Perhaps not. Useful? Debatable. Entertaining? You betcha! OKCupid performed some rigorous analysis of their ample database of sample questions, and came up with some interesting observations. The most useful information to be gleaned from their infographics is that vegans/vegetarians enjoy giving oral sex much more than their carnivorous kin (a rare opportunity to stuff one’s face with meat?), and as we all know, if you love what you do, you do it well.

It probably isn’t a big surprise that among women who prefer gentle (boring) sex, the most commonly used word is England, followed by Church; however, I was surprised to learn that the proportion of men that keep a paddle under their pillow grows from around 10 percent when they are in their 20s to about 50 percent in their 60s. Of course, sixty year old, happily married men are probably not using the site, so for those girls who are hoping to find a silver fox online, pick up some arnica gel on the way to your rendezvous, cuz that dude is into kink.

Pic Via OKTrends (Click to open in new tab)
Pic Via OKTrends (Click to open in new tab)

The link between money and the desire for casual sex seems to be pretty well established as well.  I guess when you don’t have to worry about paying the bills you have more time to fantasize about sex.  Along the same lines, if you want to spend your college years getting high and laid, spend the extra cash on tuition – the more you spend, the sluttier your classmates, numbers don’t lie (most of the time – 8:30 mark).  The most dishonest of all? Jews. Unless you believe the over 20 percent of women and 10 percent of men who claim (lie) that they have never masterbated.

In the end, all of the online dating sites and Craigslist Casual Encounters postings can’t compare to getting blind-drunk at a local dive and waking up next to a total stranger who doesn’t even have your email address.


About Danny DeVito

Danny DeVito is one of Canada's premier thinkers. He graces the pages of Provocative Penguin with his unique and rare form of genius. His keen eye for talented artists, insight into political affairs, and cunning linguistic skills pale only in comparison to his chiselled good looks. Some say he is a God. Here at Provocative Penguin, we just call him Danny. You can read Danny’s other posts on PP [here]