Halfway to a Rob Ford Threeway

When I read the papers this morning, I realized that sometime Tuesday afternoon, Christie Blatchford, Margaret Wente and Rosie DiManno are going to have to swordfight (Highlander-style) in the parking lot underneath City Hall. Because there can be only one. And by “one” I mean “paranoid schizophrenic with a Dell Inspiron”.

When Christie Blatchford says “383,501 Torontonians voted for Rob Ford — not one voted for the men behind his ouster”, she’s telling you that those votes also don’t count, because nobody voted for those voters. Because democracy is only about winning, gang!

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been given the boot from office because an opportunistic citizen hired a smart and politically savvy lawyer who found a club of an arcane statute with which to tie the hands of a judge who was willing to play ball.

The best part about this hypothesis is that it is completely insane to say that Conflict of Interest in an arcane statute. But more insane is Blatchford’s conclusion: that because nobody voted for the judge, then… Well, nobody voted for the judge.

On Oct. 25, 2010, 383,501 Torontonians voted for Rob Ford, 93,669 more than voted for the runner up, George Smitherman, and just 1,813 fewer than all of those who voted for third-place finisher Joe Pantalone.

Not a one of them voted for Mr. Magder, Mr. Ruby or Judge Hackland.

Never mind that that only adds up to 478,983 votes, or that what it really means is that 15% of the city of Toronto voting for Rob Ford elected Rob Ford. Never mind that. Because you’ll go crazy. Focus here: Blatchford is saying NOBODY VOTED FOR THE JUDGE. Why didn’t they argue that in the United States vs. Nixon? Oh, right, because it’s not a conclusion. It’s “something to think about”, which is ironic, because I don’t think Blatchford thought about this at all.

(Pic via The Province – Click to open in new tab)

Know who else didn’t put even half a thought into what they had to say about all of this? Rosie DiManno.

Rob Ford has always flown by the seat of his pants, a big blimp of a politician scudding above the city’s affairs, untethered by general rules of deportment.

Now he’s been firmly kicked in the arse. And grounded.

I like how DiManno starts out like Conrad Black, using smart-person words but then makes the mistake of “Oh, that’s just being British” and then says “arse”. Like Torontonians are saying “arse” all the time. Because we get each other’s attention by yelling, “Oi! You lot!” right? Ill-advised, DiManno continues her impression of Sean Penn in I Am Sam doing an impression of Conrad Black:

Yet there is little to celebrate in such ham-fisted intervention by the courts over arguably the most picayune of Ford’s many documented transgressions: Ejection by a judge rather than rejection by voters.

 This is profoundly regrettable and intensely objectionable.

Is it? Is it so terrible that we have conflict of interest laws? I think quoting the Dick Van Dyke show and then “you kids”-ing it might be a worse thing, but DiManno goes the fuck ahead and does that, too:

To quote Laura Petrie: “Oh Rob.” (TV sitcom, The Dick Van Dyke Show, circa ‘60s, for those whose memories don’t go back that far.)

If you feel confused here, that makes perfect sense: because what she said makes no sense. Even in the context of the article. Why is she referencing the Dick Van Dyke Show? Never mind that. Because you’ll go crazy.

(Pic via Lady Eve’s Reel Life – Click to open in new tab)

But what’s really crazy is that for the very first time, I agree with three sentences by Margaret Wente.

I’m going to miss Rob Ford – in a way. He was the gift that kept on giving. He was Toronto’s most entertaining mayor since Mel Lastman mused about the dangers of going to Africa and being boiled in a pot.

But never mind that, because you’ll go crazy.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]