No Good News – Dalton


HOLY SHIT! Ontario premier just got up and walked away Monday night. Except for the paycheque part, he’s keeping those. We’re paying him right now. Here are the hastiest responses:

No matter what Mr. McGuinty said, and what Liberal spin doctors will say in the days to come, the truth of the matter is that Mr. McGuinty stepped down because his party’s power plant shenanigans simply weren’t something that could be explained away. Not even by someone as good at explaining things away as Mr. McGuinty.

“Shenanigans”, The National Post’s Matt Gurney? What do you rank as “hijinks”? A rigged election? How about a “jape”? Project MK-Ultra?

As is so often the case, it wasn’t the crime that brought down Dalton McGuinty. It was the smell of a cover up in the air.

What? How many times has McGuinty resigned? Right: once. So by “As is so often the case”, Gurney means “In this case”. I guess this is the column the National Post gets when the only journalist on the clock also happens to be the one who has been up for six days on a meth bender.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was quick to comment:

“The Liberals, the Liberal government, are up to their eyeballs in scandals right now and I think he did the right thing, he’s the skipper of the ship and you know the ship is sinking — he’s got to tell the crew that is it.”

Is Rob Ford like Guy Pearce in Memento? Does he have “I AM THE MAYOR OF TORONTO” tattooed backwards on his chest so that when he wakes up in the morning he remembers what’s going on? Has he forgotten that he, himself, is “Up to his eyeballs” in scandals? Nevermind the fact that he could pass as The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island. I guess it takes one to know one, if one is a skipper up to his eyeballs in scandals.

The Globe’s night owl street poet Adam Radwanski is one with a turn of phrase:

Every government has a natural lifespan. And Dalton McGuinty’s expired some time ago.

Ugh. That’s a mixed metaphor. I guess the cough syrup’s “natural lifespan” had expired before Radwanski chugged what was left in the bottle and started typing.

For the better part of two terms, he was “Premier Dad.” The term was initially coined by detractors to mock his propensity for nannyism.

Thanks for the Buckley’s-drunk explanation of the nickname “Premier Dad”. Some of us might never have known what that was all about. By far, though, the least thoughtful one-liner to come from the mind of a columnist came from The Star’s Thomas Walkom, who apparently has no idea when to fold ’em or when to hold ’em:

Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty is heading for the hills. And he’s shutting down the legislature to make sure no one catches up.

What does Walkom mean?

That, in a nutshell, is the meaning of Monday evening’s surprise two-pronged announcement.

Nope, it still doesn’t work. Regular readers know that journalists making up phrases that seem like people say them all the time but actually they don’t is one of my favourite things: who could forget a classic like “angry pyjamas” or “barroom Napoleons”? Not to be outdone, though, Walkom drops ANOTHER phrase that seems like people say it all the time but actually they don’t:

In the end, through a crazy-cat combination of Liberal deviousness and government incompetence, all of these contradictions came to a head.

“Crazy-cat”? Does Walkom say his wallet is all “higgledy-piggledy” when it has too many ATM receipts in it? If you ask me, his eulogy to McGuinty’s premiership is “loose as a Cocker Spaniel”.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]