No Good News – Canards

According to idiots and anterograde amnesiacs, you learn something new every day. Today, I learned from a hyper intelligent cloud made of hatred and Canadian smugness named Barbara Kay that television taught me to accept gay marriage. She does so in the name of National Post infighting, her ongoing Highlander-like relationship with Jonathan Kay (There can be only one Kay, I suppose).

Cut the shit, National Post. You got me all distracted with the gay marriage canard so I would stop asking questions about those crazy kids in Quebec and their equally crazy no masks out in public even at Hallowe’en law. Did I say canard?


If anything were riddled with canards, it’s theQuebectuition protests. So much so that they’ve managed to continue despite gay marriage, a naked painting of Harper and kids masturbating happening. There’s something about riots and feeling entitled that gets everybody’s blood pumping to every part of their body but their brain, and when that happens, typing fingers do fantastic logical gymnastics like so:


The state owes us everything, and if we don’t get it, we’ll riot in the streets!


That phenomenal analysis of simultaneously the Greek economic crisis and the Quebec tuition protests comes courtesy of fan-favourite Margaret Wente, mistress of the bootless analogy and obsessive harbinger of the message that we do not know how good we have it. Of course we don’t! We’re boondoggled into liberal arts undergraduate programs and foisted into an economy that wants… well, nobody’s sure what it wants, but we’re fairly sure that it isn’t interested in anyone having a job. But before we get too interested in what the students want, somebody should tell me what they’re willing to do to get it.

Windows were smashed, construction cones and signs tossed into the streets, and there were reports a fire hydrant was burst open at the same spot where a bonfire was lit a night earlier.

I can’t believe it took nearly 24 hours to open that fire hydrant on that bonfire. Chilling! I can’t think of anything more sobering than an open fire hydrant. Why, the disorder it conjures in my mind comes only second to my response to the idea of that Call Me Maybe song. The only thing more terrifying would be an unmuzzled pit bull drinking from an open fire hydrant:



Luckily, it’s only reports that a fire hydrant was opened. Right?

Around 1 a.m., a fire hydrant at the intersection was opened and water gushed onto the street. Protesters danced in the water and took pictures.

Jesus Christ! What is the government doing, besides forbidding cosplay? Failing the universities, apparently. Now, call me a quibbler, but I hate the word “surrealistic”. I mean, it literally only means “surreal”. So it’s a redundant word. It’s like saying “gravysauce”. What kind of idiot language would allow that word to exist? English, probably. But that’s peanuts compared to my quibble of “throwing under the bus”.

In a badly managed attempt to appease the student protest, the Quebec government threw the universities under the bus.

Agree or disagree with the student protestors, we can all find common ground that they aren’t Bachelor contestants, right?


I mean, a rose ceremony is a rose ceremony: but no emergency laws have been drafted because of them. Yet. Or ever. I’m good with no emergency laws being drafted as a result of rose ceremonies.

In Toronto, at the G20 protests in 2010, police went in hard — batons flailing, arrests sweeping — and the outcome was a mess: destroyed property, public havoc and an outcry over police tactics.

Fast-forward to this week in Montreal; street protests over tuition hikes were greeted with a patient police stance. The outcome was a mess: Demonstrations turned increasingly violent, bringing property damage, public havoc and an outcry over police tactics.

And here we are, full circle at canards: tuition hikes and the G20, whatever that is. It’s not as cool as whatever a G6 is, because there are no songs. The readers of newspapers don’t want to know why riots are happening or even if they’re riots or not: they want to know, is a riot coming to where I live, or is the government going to make the rioting stop? The riots sure haven’t stopped in poor countries, like Greece. Are we going to be a poor country? A poor country with riots?

As rampage becomes routine, when any large gathering in any urban setting seems an easy opportunity for street insurgency, police forces across Canada struggle to deal with an emboldened riot culture. 

It’s like a zen koan: if a journalist writes a premise (“riot culture”) but no-one is there to read it, is it reality?

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]