No Good News – Black is Back

Lock up your daughters! Conrad Black is back in town (Dammit, Séamus, I said cue Boys Are Back In Town)!


Now that Conrad Black is released from prison and returned to Canada, the question of the moment is whether he can, or should, regain the Canadian citizenship he renounced in order to accept a British peerage.


And so begins human rights activist Peter Worthington’s opinion on the release of Baron Black of Crossharbour from Federal Correctional Institution, Miami on May 4th, aptly titled “Black’s voice will be heard: Worthington”. If anyone can get the blackshirts on the side of the stuffed shirt, it’s Worthington. Right? I mean, without Worthington’s fearless leadership, Ezra Levant wouldn’t be able to celebrate “Human Achievement Hour” with these low rent ads that give new meaning to the phrase “waste of electricity”.


It’s like Levant is a left-wing activist hell-bent on eroding the right wing from the inside by making them agree to such mouth-breathing, pinheaded schemes that anyone who managed to graduate from Junior high goes running to an NDP meeting just so they can talk to someone about The Hunger Games, because hey, that at least requires reading. What? Taxes? Climate change?! Liberal media, you fooled me!


Before this goes all Chunder Games, and, believe me, I’ve got the fever if you’ve got the time, let’s turn back to Worthington’s thunder.


Although not “officially” a citizen, he has a temporary resident’s permit until next May. At which time he can take the next step towards regaining citizenship.

Although there’ll be some squawking from predictable elements at this, it’s not a big deal. He’d been granted multiple entry permits by the government, lasting one year, back in 2005, 2006 and 2007. Each for a set fee of around $200.


That’s all it takes to be a Canadian? $200? Isn’t there like a test to make sure he’s really married to Andi MacDowell or something? I wonder if Barbie and Connie are going to have a tearful goodbye like this:



No, probably not. Anyway, who were those “predictable elements” Worthy was going on about?


It could be argued (and may very well be before this matter is closed) that his renunciation was part of a feud he was engaged in with then-Prime Minister Jean Chretien, whose vindictiveness is legendary. Was the renunciation real – or rhetoric.


When Wirthington says “may very well be before this matter is closed”, he really means “and will be argued within two sentences”. I’m not calling him a liar.


If they possess even a modicum of fairness, even the most vigorous of Conrad’s critics, will acknowledge that Chretien was grotesquely malicious in forcing Black to make a choice back in 2001 when he said as a Canadian citizen Black could not accept a British peerage.

And there he fucking goes. Next, he details how to determine Canadian-as-ethnicity via strained birthright, making the case that someone not from Canada can be argued not to be Canadian- I mean, sure, he’s soft-selling it here:

By being born a Canadian, it’s pretty difficult to pretend Conrad Black is not a Canadian.


And he’s still soft-selling it here, when he basically implies Chretien kicked Black out of Canada:


The PM shouldn’t be the one to determine citizenship. Because he doesn’t like someone (in this case Conrad Black) he can’t say he’s no longer a citizen if he does so-and-so. Similarly, if Conrad says “I am no longer a citizen” because the PM did so-and-so, that also shouldn’t mean he’s forfeited it forever.


This line of reasoning continues with some of Worthington’s favourite all-stars in the Liberal Media community:


In a way it’s like actor Alec Baldwin saying he’d emigrate to Canada if George Bush were re-elected in 2004. Or Susan Sarandon saying the same thing if John McCain had been elected in 2008.


You know? They’re Americans because they were born in America. Black is a Canadian because he was born in Canada. Right? Easy. We can wrap it up here. Except Worthington doesn’t.


On another level, if Omar Khadr is deemed Canadian because he was born here, and is due to be returned to Canada any day now, how could Conrad Black be refused? Khadr, his parents and siblings have been enemies of Canada’s interests and values, and Omar has killed Canada’s allies and supported terrorists.


Hang on. I thought born in Canada = Canadian. In a way, because Chretien was in charge of Canada, couldn’t he decide who was an enemy of Canada’s interests and values? Maybe he misunderstood what Post TV was.


The best thing about Worthington, of course, is the fact that he’s probably Casca. Which means he was literally there for everything. And it makes him say great things like this:


I covered most of Black’s Chicago trial, as I have covered other trials in a long and undistinguished career. Included are such as the trial of Ron Turpin for murder, the last man hanged in Canada in 1962; the trial of Jack Ruby, assassin of President Jack Kennedy’s assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald; the trial of Charles Manson in Los Angeles; the trial of Sirhan Sirhan, slayer of Robert Kennedy; and cases such as Leonard Peltier and Laurie Bembenek.


So that he can get away with saying things like this:


As for Conrad’s four-month Chicago trial, I heard nothing that indicated guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Rather, I witnessed a lynch mob prosecution, twisting whatever facts they could, and indulging in absurd rhetoric to get a conviction. As their case crumbled, their main witness against Black — his former partner David Radler – looked worse and worse. He was the instigator of fraud, not Conrad, who was too busy playing Lord Black with Lady Black, while Radler looted the till, so to speak.


I like how he slips into faux-Conrad Black at the end there. “Woe, lugubrious Canades! For your kingdom is wretched in the hands of the Chicagoans.” See what I did there? Two can play at this game, Pedro Worthez.


Inevitably, there’ll be a circus quality to Conrad Black’s return to Canada. Old wounds will be re-opened, past prejudices revived – but he is coming home. What will he do with the rest of his life?


I dunno, teach? Write? Am I some Conrad Black expert? (I am). Pierre Worthington suggests both, but why limit the man? After all, when you live forever, wandering from battlefield to battlefield (if you clicked that Cosca link you get this joke), you may muse but you know better than to proscribe. See? Fake Black talk. So easy.


Whatever the future holds, Conrad Black is back in Canada.


We have not heard the last of him.


About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]