Eleven Synonyms for Defending “Traditional” Marriage

As an intelligent person, I can’t help but feel befuddled by American politics.  And when the subject of debate turns to gay marriage, my bewilderment devolves into profane belligerence directed at the addle-pate bigots that the American people (in their infinite wisdom*) entrust in their governance.  I am honestly flabbergasted that this debate exists in the first place, and take solace in the inevitability that when my generation takes the reigns, gay marriage will be as commonplace and widely accepted as unsegregated buses are today.  Nevertheless, when I read about legislation like that which has recently been passed in North Carolina, I get enraged at the cretinous politicians, and the equality asinine religious leaders that perpetuate one of the few remaining cases of institutionalized discrimination in American society.


I had the great pleasure of watching a speech delivered by a southern minister, who made beautifully eloquent arguments denouncing gay marriage, pointing out that if gays were allowed to marry, they would also have to allow people to marry their dogs, or ice cream, if that is what they loved. Where would they draw the line?  In North Carolina that line has now been clearly drawn, right between incest and homosexuals, the former being a proud tradition of American southerners dating all the way back to their cherished glory days when slavery was still in vogue, the latter causing mild discomfort among redneck simpletons. Feeble-minded arguments like that astound me with their idiocy, but what amazes me more is that right-minded, left-leaning politicians seem unable to defeat these witless motherfuckers.

I applaud President Obama for finally standing up and saying what I’m sure he’s believed all along, that everyone, even gays and lesbians, should have equal rights, including the right to marry.  It took great political courage to openly support something that should be a no-brainer, in a country so full of people with no brains. There is a small part of me that thinks it’s a bit ridiculous for everyone to be so excited about such a small step forward, while elsewhere in the country lawmakers are taking such huge strides backwards.  It is time to get tough, and stop getting bullied by imbeciles bearing Bibles.


Next time a bill is proposed that would ban gay marriage, some plucky Democrat should stick in a rider defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman of the same race.  Sadly, the same morons who push these homophobic laws would probably embrace the addition.  Oh, wait, the Supreme Court struck down all bans on interracial marriage in 1967 for being unconstitutional.  Yes, that’s right, it took until 1967!


Maybe the Bible can show us the way.  If, as they argue, gay marriage is against god’s will (and for some reason we stipulate that god is relevant in writing the laws of a secular nation), why not insist that marriage should be protected from divorce. After all, god is certainly against divorce.  While we’re at it, let’s ban mixed-fiber clothing, and make adultery punishable by stoning (not the fun, smokey kind either).


I am sure that one day we will look back upon this period in time, and feel ashamed of how our society behaved.  The parallels between the current debate about gay marriage and similar debates about civil right, women’s suffrage, and slavery before that, are blindingly obvious.  I am astonished at the display of willful blindness in America, which should know better by now.


*”Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” 

–Albert Einstein


About Danny DeVito

Danny DeVito is one of Canada's premier thinkers. He graces the pages of Provocative Penguin with his unique and rare form of genius. His keen eye for talented artists, insight into political affairs, and cunning linguistic skills pale only in comparison to his chiselled good looks. Some say he is a God. Here at Provocative Penguin, we just call him Danny. You can read Danny’s other posts on PP [here]