(By Danny DeVito)
Vegan is to Vegetarianism, as Evangelical Bush supporters are to Christianity. Vegans do not eat or use any animal products, including ‘eggs and dairy’, which is ironic since that sounds kind of like “legs are hairy”, which they usually are (they are hippies afterall – see previous dirty words). On its own, there would be nothing wrong with maintaining a strict diet of twigs and shrubbery. However, most vegans do so with a holier than thou attitude that begs for some form of Human Cruelty. An example of this douchbagery can be found in Toronto’s Kensington Market at Herbivore, where they refuse service to anyone wearing fur. Apparently they’ve never noticed that 80% of Torontonians walk around wearing fox-fur trimmed Canada Goose jackets year-round. The only saving grace for these rodent-like humans is their tendency to be equally enthusiastic about their yoga practice, opening up the door for a slew of sexual positions that are unavailable to the masses. They do not, however, swallow… animal protein and whatnot.
1. “I thought that Jessica was the most worthless waste of human being possible, then realized I was wrong when I found our she became a vegan. NOW she is.”
See also: Trying too hard to be alternative, forgets what taste tastes like, probably good looking
(By Matt Collins)
Democracy is a society based on bullying. Those times as a kid when that bigger kid would hold you down and make you slap your own face. Journalism under democracy is that kid’s way of saying, “Stop hitting yourself!” This larger kid, of course, is a faceless electoral mass that may include your family, friends, and coworkers, currently led by e-readers with The Hunger Games on them. A vote will change that, and power will fall back into the hands of e-readers with Stieg Larsson’s ghost in them. Worse still, if you try to argue that you would not like to take part in democracy, you are threatened with angering the dead, and human rights. It is, of course, a lengthy, expensive and ultimately inaccurate process, but any form of government that would please any one individual or group of individuals is probably entirely evil.
1. Counting Yeses, Nos and Maybes to create a sort of greyish beige that shouldn’t offend anyone but ultimately will.
2. An argument about aforementioned beige, only for whatever reason, we pay people to have that argument and insist that it is somehow essential to our freedom.
3. The only thing keeping Rex Murphy in journalism and therefore off the streets, where he would no doubt be a much greater nuisance.
See also: never getting what you want, the invention of polls, lies, mathematics, logic, the French, Oliver Cromwell, threatening to commit suicide even though you have no intention of committing suicide in order to get a menial thing that you want.