Dirty Words – Bachelor, Capitalism, Drunk

Bachelor

(By Belle)

Formerly an undesirable adjective. An unmarried man resigned to living in a small unkempt apartment surviving off pizza and canned meats. Couples would often take pity on their single friends and invite the unwed bachelors over for a home cooked meal; often plotting to set him up with some spinster and save them both from a lonely non-nuclear existence.
The term has also been used as a means by which homophobic folks can explain away the rainbow clad skeletons in their family closet. Uncle Francis, the guy in the canary yellow suit with the tiny dog and purse, he’s not married; he’s a bachelor. It was preferable for the ultra flamboyant members of one’s family to be known as bachelors as opposed to butt pirates. Though, frilly shirts and sword fighting apply to both.
Today the word bachelor brings to mind a colossal douche seeking his fifteen minutes of fame under the guise of, get this, finding a wife. What the bachelor lacks in general human decency he makes up for in irony. Perhaps the most entertaining part is that 25 desperate women will throw themselves at this fellow in hopes of receiving a rose and a rock. Common sense and straight up math suggest that it is more likely they will leave with diminished self esteem and an STD.
Bachelor [bach-uh-ler]
Noun
1. Potato chip grease stains adorned his Molson Canadian t-shirt as he watched the Leafs lose again. He was living the bachelor life.
2. He quickly broke up with his girlfriend upon receiving the news that he would be this season’s Bachelor.
See also: d-bag, gay uncle, fame whore

Capitalism

(By Danny DeVito)

Simultaneously the most powerful agent of creation, and the most destructive force known to man. Capitalism is the economic equivalent of baking a muffin, resulting in a deliciously glazed top, as well as a disposable and undesirable stump. Driven only by the motivation to maximize profit, it leads inevitably to inefficient allocation of resources, eshewing utilitarian goals for the creation of private wealth. Though more evironmentally damaging than one hundred Fukushimas, it has brought us digital cable (complete with PVRs), Starbucks coffee, Nike runners, and frequent financial crises, and all at the low low price of widespread exploitation of the world’s neediest people. In short, it is the massive cock tearing at the asshole of society.
Capitalism [kap-i-tl-iz-uhm]
1. I just got back from my vacation in Bhopal, it was beautiful. Thank god for Capitalism
See also:  Indentured Servitude, The Matrix

drəNGk (Drunk)

(By Seamus Gearin & Matthew Sinclair)

Adjective
The betrayal of prudish, sterile, middle-class values leading to a negative stigma around both being and being drunk [sic].
1. “I’m so sorry I forgot to send you that e-mail. I must have been drunk!”
2. “This one time, I got drunk and…”
See also: Rural Olympics, Love/Hate everyone
Noun 
A creative beast hypnotically swirling through the urban forest. Disillusioned. Forgetful.
Drunk [druhngk]
1. The drunk said “If alcohol  stains your fingers, mine are the colour of vodka” He was a cretin who leered with ethanol dripping from his pores.
2. The drunks sat in the wet park, resting their tall cans on their gut coasters, watching the girls in yoga pants stay fit.
See also: Your dad
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Dirty Words is an exercise in (re)defining words that don’t carry the meaning they’re meant to.

You can submit your own Dirty Words/definitions to scribbles@provocativepenguin.com or make suggestions in the comments section below!

Other Dirty Words can be found [here]

About Belle

Belle is a girl.