No Good News – Women’s Rights, Titanic and America

Well, I’m glad the Globe and Mail finally came out and said which member of Pink Floyd they prefer, even if it was in an editorial insisting that Argentina has no business in the Falklands. What year is this, anyway? I believe an argument is weak when it ends with “We always preferred David Gilmour anyway”.  It just shows you know nothing about Pink Floyd. Roger Waters would never have let this see the light of day, and Gilmour made it the goddamned single:

But enough guy-talk. It’s time for me to address the women of Canada, and their all-encompassing, single concern this week: the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. A tragedy so awesome that it resulted in the most beautiful movie ever made. The Star celebrated by publishing this picture of a fictional lady with a fictional name:

And the Post celebrated by publishing some sort of opinion piece or first draft of an essay saying that if the Titanic had sunk today, because of feminism, all of the women and children would be dead. How do you like that, feminists?

Male passengers in the 2009 rescue along the Hudson River in New York City insisted a female crew member be evacuated ahead of them, which somewhat hampered rescue efforts, Mr. Kendra said.

This seems pretty black-and-white to me. If women want equal rights, they should die. In order to not die. Wait. This doesn’t seem black-and-white anymore, it just seems impenetrably stupid. Why ask what the author means if they clearly mean nothing? Or, perhaps women should go on a series of bank heists. Finally, a paper making sense in this chaos of shouting voices and poorly reasoned arguments built from even poorer research. The Sun doesn’t even do research! They just see it and say it.

“Committing bank robberies are generally a crime for males,” said Toronto Police Staff-Insp. Mike Earl, of the Hold Up Squad. “Bank robbery is a confrontational crime and they have to come face-to-face with people.”

At first, I didn’t believe the name “Hold Up Squad”, but here you go. I guess they go for beers after work with Vice, and the Scammers Unit. And how badly do I want this not to be how Inspector Mike Earl talks:

“Maybe they not be as desperate for money as before.”

What is he, The Hulk? Following this high standard for the use of the English Language, whoever edits the Sun (who am I kidding – nobody edits the Toronto Sun) let this one into the very same article:

Archie was arrested and spent four years in jail for manslaugher, but Rosaleen bolted before charges were laid.

Is “bolted” the legal term? Maybe we should be more sensitive to the victims of manslaugher. You think I’m shooting fish in a barrel here, but this is a publication that sways public opinion. In another women’s rights-themed article, we learn that the Sun thinks women are so dumb that they believe The Hunger Games is true. It must be Respect For Women Month or something.

Continuing this media respect for women and stretched to the point of forgetting Titanic metaphor, how about that great lady, that too-big-to sink. I’m talking about AMERICA.

The unipolar era has not been a success forAmerica. The great irony of these 20-something post-Cold War years has been that while the United States was the indispensable country in the triumph of capitalist democracy — its preservation from 1917 to 1941, and its outright victory in the following 50 years — it is not now one of the world’s best, or even better, functioning democracies.

OK, you caught me. I’m talking about Conrad Black talking about America. He’s a “guest” there, remember? A guest of American jail. I bet it’s just like this:

Conrad seems to think a certain Liberalism is behindAmerica’s problems. Specifically, its new problem of not being the mover and shaker it used to be in the world. Pretty soon, he says, it’ll be forced to get chummy with Turkey. Turkey, if you recall, ruined Greece by not giving back Constantinople, and Greece, of course, is where all of civilization started. Don’t fucking argue with me. It’s several paragraphs in. However, where he implies that maybe “being white Christian males” wasn’t the problem with all these presidents that came before:

Presidents Bush and Obama have done well uprooting and killing terrorists, and generally keeping them out of America, but Obama’s fiercest supporters apparently believed that all grievances in the Muslim, African, South Asian and Oriental countries against America could be resolved almost instantly because the U.S. government was no longer directed by a Caucasian of wholly Judeo-Christian background. Two flatteringly revisionist speeches in Cairo and Ghana and an absurdly exaggerated bow to the Mikado in Tokyo, and presto, all would be well. George W. Bush’s mindless championship of democracy in infertile ground gave way to Obama’s pseudo-realistic appeasement of Russia; carpet cold water-bombing of the Iranian democracy movement and Hillary Clinton’s initial lionization of Syria’s bloody-handed optometrist President Assad as a “reformer.”

Optometrist? What does he mean by that?

While it’s clear to any casual observer that the United States is making dinner from a recipe for disaster (I’m so sorry I said that) it’s not at all clear what Conrad Black thinks is clear to casual observers. My mistake here may be assuming he’s thinking of the casual at all when he writes. After all, he has his presidential Three Stooges casting wish lists:

Only twice before have there been three consecutive presidential terms as dangerously mistaken in policy terms as these last three: Fillmore, Pierce and Buchanan (1850-1861), and Harding, Coolidge, Hoover (1921-1933), and they brought on the Civil War and the Great Depression. Abraham Lincoln and Franklin D. Roosevelt were required to put the country back together.

You know, I can’t help but wonder what order he thinks all of that happened in.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]