No Good News – Mackenzie

Robocalls, will you ever win? Just a robot, trying to live day to day, barely making it work at both ends with a burning candle with every Canadian’s phone number on it, in a hard world made of non-robots who have never read any Isaac Asimov… Look, I’m going to level with you. I don’t care about St. Patrick’s day. Because I was raised in the United Church. We don’t even believe in God. Unless we want to. Saints? Drinking? Let me put it this way: “I don’t smoke – tobacco.”

Robocalls are out there, but maybe Lorrie Goldstein of the Toronto Sun is right, and it’s just something the media cooked up!

But Canadians are also pragmatic, which helps explain other poll findings that the “all-robocall-all-the-time” media seem perturbed by.

Does Goldstein know what the media is? That’s like a pork chop saying “But I’m part of a pig!” as you carefully brown both sides, add chicken stock and… gang, I am an excellent cook. Did I mention that nothing happened this week and I am stoned, listening to Grand Funk Railroad?

I’m not a big math guy, and I’m pretty sure the average Toronto Sun reader is, either. We kill what we eat! The National Post is for math guys. The Globe is for Liberal Arts majors who still read “challenging” books. The Star is for my high school friend who… I’ve already said too much, and expect my Twitter followers to drop from a healthy 112 to an jaundiced 97.

Ipsos Reid, found the Conservatives comfortably ahead with 37% support, compared to 27% for the NDP and 23% for the Liberals.

That’s not significantly different from the May 2, 2011 election night results, where the Tories won 39.6% of the vote, NDP 30.6%, Liberals 18.9%.

What’s that comma doing there? I’m not going to play that cheap game. What I want to know is: what is this? Why do I have to figure out if Billy gets 6 apples and they cost 18 cents and the NDP are polling way ahead all of a sudden? 18, then 9, that’s 27. Congrats, NDP, you got 9. But what do you mean, Goldstein? Numbers are pure abstraction.

That’s what’s working in Harper’s favour.

When Canadians consider which leader they support, they aren’t comparing him to Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa.

Exactly. When I think of party leaders, I’m thinking of a human rights icon and the only woman more beautiful on the inside than Princess Diana. But it’s Goldstein’s conclusion I really have the bone to pick with:

That’s the realpolitik of robocalls.

No! I disagree, Lorrie Goldstein! One one hand, I disagree with your premise that Sun readers know what “realpolitik” is at all, which leads me to my second point: you’re only using the term “realpolitik” to seem vastly more intelligent than you are. This makes it appear that anything as fascinating or even interesting as “realpolitik” ever happens in Canadian parliament.

Mister Goldstein, I submit that you fancy yourself a William Lyon Mackenzie. When Mackenzie spied skullduggery in the halls, he published his own paper, and the Whigs and the Tories took turns attempting to assassinate him. However, Mister Goldstein, I submit that you are no William Lyon Mackenzie. I say this because your paper has not suggested that the Tories may be culpable even once. In fact, you have gone out of your way to suggest that every other party may be culpable, but we may still depend upon the Tories. Mister Goldstein, I suggest that you are guilty of skullduggery on a scale the Whigs and Tories of yore could scarcely dream of. You are a scoundrel, Mister Goldstein, and I tip my hat, sir, in congratulation.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]