No Good News – Gayish Penguins and Computer Dogs

They did it.

African penguins Buddy and Pedro have been nesting and breeding “actively” with their female mates, the Toronto Zoo confirmed Friday in a statement announcing the birth of a penguin chick.

I’m not sure what’s funnier: leading off the story about a baby penguin (chick is sexist) with “They did it” or the part when they say “actively” with the quotations. Like it’s a wink and a nudge. You know? They just met, so they’re “actively” hanging out. It means fucking.

But the best part is that they keep doing it.

It seems that Pedro, an inexperienced lover, came on a bit too strong at first, turning off his mate by being “overly amorous.”

Come on, Pedro! You may remember that Buddy and Pedro were the gay, now bi, penguins. Does this mean they’re on the down-low? Penguins: complicated! So complicated!

“They were great parents, but they were a little too much,” he said. “They just went overboard, and they literally suffocated (the chicks) with love.”

Holy shit guys, am I bored of robocalls this week. And this thing where we argue about Kony and what to do about him because we have all the weapons and tell the world what to do all the time. Stop bossing people around with guns when you aren’t the boss, Kony. That’s Obama’s job.

Scheduled to perform at the National Arts Centre Sunday at 8 p.m., singer Jann Arden says she was thrown off a VIA Rail passenger train because she brought her dog, Midi, on board in a small bag.

Yeah. Jann Arden got kicked off of a train. Why? Oh, could it have anything to do with having her dog who’s named after how you make a computer play music (what’s that all about, Arden?) in a small bag? Here’s my question… okay, I have a lot of questions: Midi? Really? Has Jann Arden been a computer program all this time or am I being insensitive? My question is this. Was it because it was a dog, or was it because of the size of the bag? Why was she sneaking the dog on? Couldn’t put Midi in the pet car for the, what, 5 hour train ride to Ottawa? Why are you lying about your computer-dog, Jann Arden? Could it be that Jann Arden is a computer? What will Canadian families do now that Jann Arden and her dog are computers? Why won’t VIA Rail allow computers on the train?

She says she was left in Oshawa and had to rent a car to get to Ottawa.

“Midi and I got booted off of via rail on route to Ottawa…scrambled and am in a town car now..4 and a half hours!” Arden tweeted Sunday morning. “Just so you know…we r in a town car cruising towards the Capitol…the show will go on! Eat my bra via rail.”

She also added: “VIA_Rail you guys suck…a four pound dog in a bag and you boot me off in the middle of nowhere? Nice….”

There’s just so much to robocall her out on here, even without the dog. Oh, what? COLLINS! Did you just robocall Jann Arden? I did, because now robocall means whatever we want it to. Like hipster, only even more pejorative and way more futuristic sounding.

OK, though, not to get too hard on the Ards, but seriously? Besides missing out on the ham sandwich, a town car to Ottawa is clearly nicer than a VIA Train to Ottawa. Nothing to make anyone “eat my bra” over. Also, what’s wrong with eating a bra? They make candy ones.

Does anybody else feel like spring is coming, or has this been the second sexiest No Good News so far? It’s in the air. Young people, holding hands, couples going furniture shopping, all of them listening to some Jann Arden and getting ready to bone. I think I need to put on some Kim Stockwood and take a cold shower.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]