No Good News – Robocalls

What’s funnier than the idea of robocalls? Serving up excuses is funny. Conrad Black calling Republican candidates “clowns” is funny. So is using the phrase “Master of disaster” outside of stunts or wrestling. Oh yeah, Toronto’s mayor got a radio show and that was hilarious. The way every journalist freaks the fuck out about pitbulls is basically why the chicken crossed the road. But let’s face it: robocalls are a guy getting hit in the balls with something.

What is a robocall? It’s when a robot phones you. Yeah. I know. In the case of the news in Canada, it’s when a robot hired by somebody who wants to be the government calls you to make sure that instead of going to the polling station, you get all kerplutzed and go to Shirley’s house and then Shirley says “I got that same phone call! I phoned Elections Canada!” but then, moths later, Elections Canada just keep saying they’re doing an investigation. It’s like when an assistant manager at MusicWorld in 1999 is shoplifting entire shipments of the End Of Days soundtrack and the manager says “Hey Gary, I need you to figure out where these CDs are going” and Gary says “Sure thing, Marco,” and the investigation goes on forever because the CDs are going to Gary’s house.

That’s what the Rock N’ Roll dictionary would call a “burner”! Anyway: we all want to know who was in charge of these robocalls. Please tell me it isn’t robots. Mean, logical robots who will stop at nothing but to replace who knows what with more robots because we programmed them to keep the plants on the spaceship safe at all costs.

So, here’s where those End Of Days CDs go missing:

Postmedia reported Thursday that someone used a robo-calling service to confuse voters in the Ontario riding of Guelph on election day. The calls, claiming to be from Elections Canada, gave false information about changed polling locations.

There is nothing wrong with using robo-calls during an election campaign. They are just another, if particularly annoying, form of telemarketing.

But it is unethical to use them to mislead voters – say, by claiming to be from one party when in fact another party is behind the call – and definitely illegal to impersonate an Elections Canada official.

And here’s Gary saying he’ll look into it:

Elections Canada is investigating, but the opposition parties are convinced they know who’s to blame.

And here’s Marco (the manager, not the assistant manager, that’s Gary) realizing that Gary (the assistant manager) might not be coming through with the fact that like 60 copies of End Of Days have gone missing:

The robocall controversy appears to be broadening, with opposition parties claiming the number of ridings affected by voter-suppression calls in the last federal election is greater than first thought.

Now, the question somehow – in the masterful, mystery-solving hands of the papers – has become is Gary the Tories, a single Tory that they’ll fire, Elections Canada just screwing up or is Gary the robots?Of course, by Gary I mean robocalls, phone calls made by robots and not… Look. It makes next to no sense at this point, which is the beauty of this moment in Canadian Political History.

The national political world was aflutter Thursday as news broke that Elections Canada is investigating after numerous Guelph, Ont., residents complained about receiving calls on election day in an apparent effort to prevent Liberal voters from casting a ballot.

The traditionally Liberal riding was held by Guelph, Ont., Grit MP Frank Valeriote, who went on to win the 2011 race with 43% of the vote. The Conservative candidate came in second, with 33%.

Meier, whose office is listed at 9353 50 street in Edmonton, said he’s “shocked and distressed” to hear about the alleged fraud.

OK, WHAT? Why is all of that extra information (A LIFETIME OF EXTRA INFORMATION) in there? Who told us it was about misleading Liberal voters? Who knows that? I thought that our votes were anonymous? How did they know in advance? Why do I need to know the Conservative candidate came in second and by how much? Who’s Meier? Why do I need to know exactly where his office is? THIS IS INSANE.

Here is a list of some of the things we do not know about the Robocon scandal (for those just joining us, the use of live or automated “robocalls” to harass or deceive — con — voters in certain ridings during the last election). We do not know whether the calls were made by members of the Conservative party. We do not know whether any Conservative authorized them, or even knew about them. We do not know whether anyone was prevented from voting, or had their vote changed, as a result, nor do we know whether the results of any riding were affected.

So, essentially, we have a pile of journalists who know piles of things and Elections Canada and the company that makes the robocalls and Bob Rae are all trying to figure out how something like this happens:

Calls also were placed to voters with Jewish-sounding names during the Saturday Sabbath and in one riding with a South Asian candidate, voters received phone calls from someone imitating a Pakistani accent.

By the way, Bob Rae looks like this now:

All I know is De shud b HHIS – which may be translated as “They should be hanging their heads in shame.” And “they” may be translated as Bob Rae, Stephen Harper, robocalls, Guelph, Gary, Guns N’ Roses, pitbulls, and imitating a Pakistani accent.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]