No Good News – Vol. XXV (Tobagganning)

It’s been a few weeks, but we’re over Christmas and the new year and we’re back to Peter Worthington trying to prove he loves Margaret Thatcher more than Conrad Black does.  Guys, we made it. Here’s what Worthington has to say to anybody who doesn’t like this Thatcher movie that’s giving everybody license to write about her like she’s Natalie Wood:

Then he ends his column with a series of Margaret Thatcher quotes, which made me think of a fun game: What if I give you guys and gals (I’m not a sexist) some Margaret Thatcher quotes and some Kim Jong Il quotes, and you have to figure out who said which?

Here we go!

A world without nuclear weapons would be less stable and more dangerous for all of us.

Great ideology creates great times.

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

I am the object of criticism around the world. But I think that since I am being discussed, then I am on the right track.

The internet will tell you the answers. No peeking! And before anyone gets on my case about dictators, remember that we’re talking about the TorontoSun, who can barely use the word for their own ideology (conservative) because their readership will think they’ve become liberal elites using big words. Also, this column about dictators ran in the sun.

Like I said, gang. Things are 100% back to normal in the papers. The Sun and The Star are looking at 100% fictional federal budgets and predictably receiving 100% fictional results, and, as usual, where The Sun is hysterical, The Star is boring.  Like watching someone else play solitaire boring.

If you want Torontomunicipal politics, go read Facebook! I’m going to turn to The Post and the Globe to figure out what middle-aged white men in prison and middle-aged white women who consider those middle-aged white men, “Political Prisoners”, think of things. Yes, of course I’m talking about Margaret Wente and Christie Blatchford. What do you mean Christie Blatchford isn’t in jail? Shame, Canadian justice. Shame.

Man, I wish I got letters as good as the ones the National Post publishes.

But maybe I’d have to publish articles as good as the one the letter writer (apparently, a freestyle-skiing child) wrote in about.

No real opinions on danger are voiced until the comments section, so I’m not sure what Rory Gilfillan of Lakefield,Ontariois going on about. But that’s what we get from the news: rage. So the news is permitted to continue.

Speaking of “specticals” (that’s going to be the official spelling by 2014, by the way), Margaret Wente has discovered that yoga is 100% bad for you and you should stop doing it. And, here’s the catch, start drinking like crazy. Just fucking down a bottle of wine, Canada. Because the Atkins diet is the way to go.

I realize it seems impossible that a full-blown newspaper would publish something this stupid. “This must be from Wente’s blog, Shenanigans & Invention!” you’re saying. But it’s real. How Wente continues to publish this column without inspiring the kind of hatred that is generally reserved for Christie Blatchford or genocidal racism is beyond me.

Well, play some rounds of Thatcher or Kim Jong Il? And I’ll work on figuring out how to challenge Wente to some kind of contest where I emerge victorious and with her job.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]