No Good News – Vol. XXII (Brits)

Because literally nothing is happening in Canada that I care to make light of (if you thought I was going to do an Attawapiskat column: what is wrong with you?) this week, I cast my gaze out to the world! And because most of the world doesn’t seem to speak English or care to, I turned to England. Everyone I know who wants to come across as sophisticated, and therefore right, always posts articles from The Guardian. But, surely, I thought, the English have more papers than that? Possibly wrong ones?

I started with the infamous Murdoch paper, The Sun. Here’s the link, just click away. It’s a laugh riot. Our Sun is basically dirt compared to England’s Sun. Boring dirt.

So many questions, right?

It’s a wonder brits can make it through a day without going absolutely insane.

There had to be another British paper I could read. One that didn’t induce vertigo. Something between The Sun and The Guardian. Something between “published for smug North Americans” and “published by the criminally insane”.

Look at this! The Telegraph is so meticulously laid out: it seems like a real newspaper, but then we can do a quick check-list of everything I’ve ever looked for from a news outlet: Alarmist! Sensational! Vulgar! Reactionary!

“SCHEME”?! Perhaps that’s just English for “plan”. But oh man, what if teenagers get the pill? How will they get pregnant then? That’s what pro-lifers want to know.

A pro-life charity called “Life” advises that getting the pill could be as easy as ordering a pizza. Say, from a pizza delivery place called “Pizza”.

I can’t tell if they’re using an ironic tone here or not. Is this a sarcastic caption contest? Those police officers look evil, not besieged.

I stand corrected! Balance be toEngland! Like Canada’s hockey riots, England also had riots for their beloved national sport: police brutality.

Basically, the author’s position is that if the lawbreaking rioters simply didn’t break the law, there would be no brutality from the police for them to complain about. Tidy! Convenient! Well-reasoned! Based in evidence! All the hallmarks of an analytic English argument.

And speaking of well-reasoned arguments: the separation of church and state has had it’s day, and it’s time to end this silliness.

Crypto-Marxist? I’m back in that weird zone where I can never tell what the English think is funny. I mean, What exactly are the jokes on The Mighty Boosh? I can never tell. Guys, England is like Canada with better schools and more Red Bull instead of French and worrying about Americans. To be fair, Americans are predominantly fat child abusers.

It’s true, I have no central thesis here, except that British newspapers are all varying shades of as bad as The Sun.

Thank you, The Daily Mail! Respectable-sounding name, isn’t it? But no! All the English care about is “paedos”.

The Mirror is, apparently, just as bad. What kind of country can sustain so much hysterical blather? So many shouting, incoherent voices?

What kind of country demands that newspapers compete using only football, rambling chaotic nonsense, and pictures of topless girls?

Somebody here in Canada had better say something really stupid soon, because I don’t think I can handle English newspapers anymore.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]