No Good News – Vol. XX (Art)

Art: who likes it? Who needs it? Why is it always such a chore to like or dislike? I’m so glad we all agree on entertainment being better than art.

Art has always come down to individual taste, says The Sun. Is that a fact?

But be warned, people! City Hall has fucking blown all of our fucking money on shit our kid could do if he could fucking weld. And they did it against our wishes.

Man alive, after all these cuts – endorsed by The Sun – the idea that anyone would go ahead with one of these eyesores just makes single moms mad. They should have insisted on condoms! But now they have to live with artists fucking the come right out of the city’s tax boner while we’re forced to sit around asking if it’s art or not (hint: no).

To help figure out if it’s art or not, The Sun has provided a slide show of their favourite pieces of intellectual bullshit that nobody likes and why can’t it just go away for you to ponder.

Of course, after you answer the question “Is it art?” you can feel free to BUY THIS PHOTO FROM SUN MEDIA. That’ll show those con-artist artists! Feel free to buy this photo of gravy train budget-molesting, because you are an individual and not a cash-strapped city who blew all their money on a pile of municipal election cocaine that totally amped up the party before figuring out what you’re legally allowed to privatize or not and then go through the painful hangover of letting everybody have 5 minutes to speak into a microphone and state why they oppose the cuts in question while the city pays for everybody to chug a red bull.

It’s a funny thing, backing the mayor. Whether or not something is art seems to depend on some insane a priori truth that never has to do with any argument or facts, because who needs discussion, facts or reasons when YOU’RE RIGHT?

< Here’s what this $400K piece of serious shit is “suppose” to look like.

Sue-Ann Levy was on the case. This is a woman whose expertise in art comes from visiting two art museums in Spain, gang. Not some flimsy-dick American museum with scribble-splats and 18 foot straight lines that make your eyes glaze over in pain. Levy tried to get to the bottom of this issue by contacting the artist directly, but his response was as elusive as his artist’s statement. Honestly, have you ever tried to read one of those? It’s like you need a degree in art to figure out what an artist is on about. It’s almost as hard to get through as a medical textbook or the bar exam.

Art-shmart, who are we kidding? Levy lays it down: we can’t afford to go around just sticking art in places. She walks right the hell up to Councillor Janet Davis, a card-carrying communist and money-hater…

Explain that! What good is this waste of money going to do? Note: Levy is asking because she already knows the answer, regardless of fund allocation that the democratically elected city council voted on…

Fictional constituent Connie Harrison has the final say, comparing the police to sewers. “Plant flowers and landscaping,” says Harrison! Those things are free! Both grow in nature! Save us some money and let nature take its course!

Oh, man, Levy wasn’t done yet, gang!

She can’t make it up because she’s too busy making up emails from Sun readers and constituents in wards where she wouldn’t talk to a member of the public for fear they may shoot her. She starts in about the fucking flowers again:

Ongoing maintenance! Fucking goddam hell, Toronto city hall! Buy something that’s going to effing last! Like flowers!

Sorry if I’m about to become incredulous, but DURING A FUCKING INSPECTION? The only thing Levy could possibly “inspect” with any degree of accuracy is her own navel. Possibly not even that. She then goes on to make the big boulder seem possibly dangerous, which brings her “to the issue of public art”. Except it doesn’t. It brings her to the history of Toronto followed by weather in Canada.

So bad weather is the reason we can’t have public art. You have to keep cleaning it and making sure it doesn’t kill anybody. Weirdly, in both articles Levy brings up that the sculpture will have free wi-fi as well as markets and festivals:

And where it made sense as a description in the beginning of the first article, it seems like some insane complaint at the end of the second, especially wedged between these paragraphs:

Only more than half the year? That’s as useless as the fucking lake! And think of all the trouble that piece of shit causes the city.

See? Useless. Just like Sue-Ann Levy’s Murder She Wrote envy.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]