No Good News – Vol. XVII

The Toronto Sun’s devotion to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford drives them into such rigorous contortion that most of the time, they appear to be suffering from a Hollywood depiction of Multiple Personality Disorder.


As I’ve pointed out before, they live in an Idealist wet dream, where merely thinking something – and I use the term “thinking” loosely, in the sense more that a regular person might say “feeling”, and even then, “feeling” only in the sense that a regular person would say “flipping the fuck out and yelling at everybody” – makes that thing reality.

For example, last week Toronto Mayor Rob Ford had a run-in with the milquetoast Canadian satire program This Hour Has 22 Minutes that ended in an unfortunate 911 call that was quickly denied, despite the fact that he could release the tape itself to the press and easily clear his name.

Well, the tape hasn’t been released, at least not as of Saturday when I’m writing this, and by Canadian News Media law, that means that the only solution is for every newspaper to speculate as though they had just finished watching Breaking Bad. Did Rob Ford poison Jesse’s girlfriend’s kid to convince Jesse to kill Gustavo? WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND OUT?!

As an adult, you should know that anytime “a source” is referred to – you know, if you read the words “a source” anywhere in a newspaper, it seems like lying. Imagine if your kid walked out of the grocery store with a Crispy Crunch you didn’t pay for, and you asked, “Hey, where did you get that?” and they said “A source”, you’d know exactly what was up. That’s what’s happening when a newspaper says “a source”. Automatically, this is no longer news. You are not reading facts. It might as well be a Dan Brown book report.

So, it should come as no surprise whatsoever that not just “a source” but “sources” have heard this 911 tape.  Which we’re still waiting for, mostly because we’ve been so distracted by Keith Olbermann stepping in to call Mayor Ford “the worst”.


The Sun turns to The Man for their answers about the 911 call made by The Man’s boss. I mean police chief Bill Blair.


Look how mad he is! I bet he makes that face every time Ford calls, but also any time his kids call him “Sergeant Slaughter” or another police officer calls him “Willy”. In fact, that face seems designed to make sure nobody ever calls him Willy.



The funny thing is, this comes a day after the Sun’s bloodthirsty queen mosquito, Sue-Ann Levy, referred to Blair as one of “the perpetually indignant” in an editorial that implied that the Police ignored the mayor’s call precisely because they are Socialist pranksters:

Now, that’s a face a Willy would make. Oh! The taxpayer-respecting Fords love the police! Even though the police are horrible, horrible unionists. I’ve always wondered how The Sun reconciled their love of police and their hatred of unions. The answer is, they don’t.

Not that the other papers are doing anything even remotely resembling a good job either, taking “comedy” as their cue to – I wish I could say entertain – opine and speculate on basically the most idiotic thing a Toronto Mayor has done since… let’s see: Say they don’t want to go to Africa because of cannibals? Ban the Barenaked Ladies on the basis of obscenity? Say that everybody gets three minutes to speak and we’ll all just stay at city hall until they’re all finished?

Okay, so it isn’t even remotely the stupidest thing someone in charge of our apparently wildly stupid city has done. It’s not even the stupidest thing the stupid idiot in charge of our colony of brain-lepers has done. But that doesn’t stop columnists from writing the stupidest things they have ever written.

These would be the work of The Star’s man on a bench with a can Joe Fiorito, professional TV-watcher John Doyle, Globe regular Mark Schatzker, and alien-in-disguise-trying-to-figure-humans-out Christie Blatchford, respectively.

So, why isn’t the tape being released? Why do we have to wait until the middle of 2012 to hear this tape and find out what’s going to happen? What is Skyler saying to Rob behind closed doors? Is Rob Junior really that clueless about what his mom and dad are up to? Will Hank I mean Doug be the one who catches him? WHAT IS JESSE GOING TO DO WHEN HE FIGURES OUT ROB POISONED THE KID TO MAKE HIM WANT TO KILL GUS?!



About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read past volumes of No Good News [here]


About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]