No Good News – Vol. XIX

HOT TOPICS! Today’s Must Reads! Most Popular! What are we reading because everybody else is reading it?



Hitting your kids because God told you to: not a hot topic! No, not the Hot Topic where teenagers go to buy clothes that make you feel sort of bad that you ever considered yourself punk. More like the Hot Topics they talk about on The View. Although, there’s something telling about the Bad Girls Club logo down above. Speaking of which, wasn’t the Judi-Priscilla fight this past season like a weird device that framed the entire season as a When We Were Kings-style documentary?






The real upshot of Bad Girl’s Club is that out there a whole generation of teenaged boys is growing up thinking that unstable alcoholic women who live only to fight are the pinnacle of beauty.

In typical Toronto Sun One-Of-These-Things-Just-Doesn’t-Belong-Here fashion, there is an odd man out – or odd woman, I’m not sexist- in this Hot Topics list. Of course, I’m talking about the NDP leadership race.

Is there a burgeoning Labour segment of The Sun’s readership? Perhaps all the members of Police and Sports unions that The Sun gives an unspoken free pass to in daily vitriolic anti-union tirades. Surely, police and athletes alone don’t account for enough Sun readers checking on the NDP leadership race to make it a Hot Topic.

NASCAR? Revving up? And why is Chisholm only referred to in the headline as “Nova Scotian”, as if Nova Scotians were apolitical up until now?




Of course, I wouldn’t be doing my “job” if I didn’t mention that the Hot Topic Moonlight Ladies was The Sun’s new photo series about how the lives of some women are still worthwhile after 40 because they still look good.





The Globe And Mail has, by far, the longest Most Popular list at TEN ITEMS! I suppose somebody has to draw a parallel between a cyber attack by ‘Anonymous’ and the Senators sending the Leafs their ass by registered mail. Yes, it is weird that people read about Sports.

Alarmingly, this story about asking your husband for a romantic gift and him telling you you’re and fat old resonated with Canadians who read the Globe. It featured in Lynn Coady’s useless and probably irresponsible Group Therapy column where readers answer each other’s selfish questions about their self-centred, abject and potential-less lives.


I’ll be the first to admit that I chose to write about this because it’s been an entirely useless news week, but the Globe went ahead and tried to stir up some controversy by suggesting that cigarettes be made illegal. Why would they stoop to such a cheap and obvious ploy? Can’t the editors see what they’re doing through patched-and-gummed nicotine?





The Leafs losing is more important to Star readers than anything else, and of course, anything else is socialism, socialism, socialism.






I can’t tell if they mean the Leafs or the protests, either. At any rate, I was actually entirely thankful for this Berlusconi retrospective, and I can only imagine that this Bixi article was popular because people were ecstatic over the possibility that the cycling-inept customers of Bixi might be off the road in the near future.

Have you ever been behind a Bixi rider? Every. Time. The. Worst.


And of course, Post readers are Oxy-addicted, western Canada-enviers whose falling convenience store profits aren’t going to get them to Brazil this winter. As cheap as that joke may be, it can’t match the level of oversimplification that the Post sees fit to print.



About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read past volumes of No Good News [here]


About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]

  • pengoo

    I think tonight I want some cereal…

    I woke yous up!