No Good News – Vol. XV

 

All over the world, people are occupying things: washrooms, houses, and public space. The difference between the third option and the other two is that people are occupying public spaces in the thousands. What advice do opinion-sculptors across Canada have? What insight?

But… but… Tahrir Square?

What kind of “Never Forget” journalism is the Globe and Mail practicing that we’re going to oppose a war that happened 200 years ago? Like you, fellow newspaper enthusiast, my head spins when I try to make sense of it.

For the time being, let’s consider Simpson’s argument.

Really? The ol’ World War 2 argument? Hitler was evil, so we had to go fight the war? Jefferson not evil enough for you, Simpson? How about James Madison? No, there has to be a more convincing argument buried deep in what I can only assume is an essay of some kind.

Is Simpson implying that there are still Canadians who would rather be Republican-sympathizing Americans? That would be enough to simply discard this jumbled mess, but then he adds the white man’s burden into this steaming gumbo. What is he getting at? Is Simpson a historian? What is his stake in all of this? Is a simply a matter of government spending? Or does he feel there is a legitimate basis for bringing all of this up?

HOLD ON, SIMPSON. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU READ ONE BOOK- ONE SINGLE BOOK? AND NOW WE’RE JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND CALL OFF EVERYTHING.

 

That, of course, is what an editor at the Globe and Mail should have said, pointing out that a single source could call for some inquiry, but is hardly basis for a sweeping and contrary opinion. But we are talking about the Globe And Mail, where an opinion can be formed on far, far less than facts.

 

Obviously perplexed, I turned to the Toronto Sun. Their ongoing mission to fill the spot Mad Magazine used to fill before you were “too old to read it” yielded this great pretend letter from Tony Clement to the rest of the government where he talks about alllll the dumb ways he’s going to waste taxpayer money that the government doesn’t even have, because the deficit is so big.

Thanks for clarifying that this is an illustration.

Strobel does his best. Which is terrible, by the way. Sue-Ann Levy’s ongoing investigation into the “Gravy at City Hall” that has become Toronto’s “Weapons of Mass Destruction” is more fun to read than Strobel cutting loose. But the last straw really happens here:

God, what is his problem? He also went on a mission with a camera to Fort York to get to the bottom of who won the War of 1812 (defend that budget decision). As if the excruciating video footage weren’t enough- and it is, let’s get that straight- this poet of the ordinary calls out the city for not having an opinion as to who won the war:

Well, Conrad Black, proud owner of the largest vocabulary in the world, must have some pearls to drop about Canada’s greatest moment.

Hold on to my 1812 train for a second, I might drop it in amazement.

Black, apparently able to bite the bosses hand because he’s in the big house again- I mean, isn’t at least one of the Lehman Brothers cartel in there? Isn’t he going to get shanked or have broken glass cooked into his food? – turns on Wall Street and says, “J’accuse!” Well, almost.

But he doesn’t side with the protestors, entirely. After all, they’re murdering the life out of Christians in Egypt right now.

Well, if that isn’t enough to take your mind off of the war of 1812- which is what we’re all after in this long countdown to the 200th anniversary of said war- then the idea of Christie Blatchford having sex must be enough.

Her lurid account of internet indiscretion is clearly weird bragging posing as, well, something, there was some sex thing that happened in the news. What was it? Why can’t I stop imagining Blatchford naked?

All over Canada, Christie Blatchford is occupying your private space.

 

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About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read past volumes of No Good News [here]


About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]