No Good News – Ontario Election Special

On the eve of the least important election in all of Canada’s history, some of you may be wondering if you can be convinced not to vote. Well, it just so happens that not voting is exactly what the leadership of all three major parties wants you to do.

Here’s Dalton McGuinty hanging out in Nowhere:

SLAM! NOT THE MOST POPULAR GUY?!? Dalton McGuinty accepts that, because he’s a buddhist. And you had better watch out for doing what’s popular.  Apparently, our schools are the best in the English Speaking World. In other words, it’s either the kids or the global warming that we did to ourselves, and we’re all going to die.

 

Spencer can’t wait for school! Sex in cars! Surgery while you wait! More jobs than Infidel America! There are 5 new diseases WAIT, WHAT? You think Hudak’s going to do any better at teaching Dotti to bowl? Look: we have a LOT of doctors, so those 5 new diseases are nothing to get all hopped up about. God, these ads are optimistic. What about hateful voters? What about my bros who mark their “x” with only blackened, vengeful hearts?

Where did they find that vaguely annoyed woman? Also, I remember this review of Armageddon with the opening line, “Wow! What A Bad Movie!” and in an ad for Armageddon, it was quoted: just “Wow!” with the asteroid going through the O. So maybe, the review of Hudak’s- um, let’s call it a one-man play- in the Toronto Star, they said “Financial Fiction… OF THE HIGHEST ORDER! Hudak deserves a rounf of applause for his exceptional, inventive and mature economic storytelling.”

The Progressive Conservatives fire away with Hudak videoblogging about how Dalton McGuinty probably doesn’t care about Northern Ontario, which is what Ontario burns to keep Canada going.

You dummy! It’s cold in Northern Ontario! They shouldn’t have to pay for how cold it is! What is Dalton McGuinty going to do about man-sized clouds of black flies de-meating anything that has meat? Nothing. You know why? He’s too busy just taking your money, which nobody else does. If Tim Hudak gets elected, he promises that you won’t have to pay a cent. It’ll be a Don’t-Pay-A-Cent Event. Just like Leon’s.

That’s like eighty bucks! Dalton McGuinty is taking eighty of your dollars for things we just can’t afford because we’re from Fort Erie, Ontario.

Meanwhile, the NDP are selling iPods or something.

Mam-bo tax break!

Meanwhile, two snappily dressed Italians from the 70’s apparently represent the Liberals and Conservatives, waiting for Andrea Horwath to stop winning the current election.

I wonder if they’re worried about litigation by the creators of Footloose:

Don’t the NDP have a message, or something? Like, a campaign with substance or ideas?

OK, I’ll take yelling. PEOPLE! FEEL! LIKE THEY’RE FALLING! BEHIND! Immigrants! Babies! It’s cold! Both the NDP and the PCs realize it’s cold, Mister McGuinty.

 

Ooooh! A cerebral, all-text ad (What does the NDP have against the blind? In the last one Horwath at least yelled for the deaf). And if you didn’t think, book-types, that this ad was tailored for you, listen to that CBC Radio 3 music in the background. It’s like McSweeney’s are running for office. Is that it? Is that everybody’s platform?

WHY, HELLO ONTARIO LIBERTARIAN PARTY! Of course their platform is repealing the LCBO. OF COURSE! Oh, but it gets way better. Do you know the Freedom Party? No, of course you don’t- NOBODY DOES. But boy do they know the power of making “a tax” sound like “attacks”.

Because Ontario is really, really knee deep in the sauce. Also, RACIST PUBLIC SCHOOLS:

Is it just me, or is it a big red flag when you hear a white man’s voice say “One race. The human race.” COLOURBLIND PUBLIC SCHOOL!

Green is a colour:

They’re big on “creativity”. That’s why his bookshelf has maybe 7 binders of who-knows-what on it, and he’s there with that fucking ugly painting. Look at that thing. What is he saying about partisanship? Isn’t he in a party? I can’t concentrate because of that painting. Is it sideways? Did you see the jigsaw puzzle of people? Because you’re basically passing out at 1:10, they throw in a babe (babe)

so that you’re paying attention again by the time he says “talent”. Then five goals and OH HEY! Look? See? The NDP used to do attack ads:

Man, they were so much more kickass under Howard Hampton. And this just isn’t helping:

This is my impression of the announcer’s voice: “I’m SMARMY about Tim HUDAK! Our smarm will lead to the government we WANT. A government that uses smarm as a GUIDING principle.”

Gang, I have never been as depressed as I am about next Thursday, and I literally don’t even care who wins. Can’t we do better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read past volumes of No Good News [here]


 

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]