No Good News – Vol. XIV

Probably the furthest point from Toronto in Illiterate Canada is Vancouver, which is farther away than England!




The newspaper of Vancouver is The Vancouver Sun. For no useful or productive reason, it is published by the Post and not by the Sun. Did you know that a hundred years ago, there was a paper called The Vancouver World? Gosh, we were ambitious before the internet came in and people started saying brainless horseshit like “EPIC FAIL” and “blogosphere”.



It’s like the Western World decided that “dialogue from Zoo Story” was a perfectly adequate and pragmatic way to speak. After all, this is a world where a woman screwed over a nation with a cupcake franchise scheme and only one brave reporter had the cojones to stand up and call her on it. Is that the kind of city Vancouver is? A scam cupcake city? I googled it, and Vancouver’s finest are on it:

Vancouver is in British Columbia- the most beautiful part of the entire world. The city is known for some of the best music anyone has ever, ever heard, for producing groundbreaking television that everyone continues to talk about decades later because it was so clearly a game changer, for combating beauty by being the third worst dressed city in the world (stop wearing Pork Pie Hats, weird idiots), and for an ongoing rivalry with evil mountains, halted only by the power of business.

For months now, Vancouver has been debating a hockey riot that nearly killed them all. Vancouverites are infuriated that the law stands in the way of putting criminals in the federal penalty box. Or, at the very least, in jail. That’s not how they do it in British England, right? Wrong! Turns out they have stupid rights too. Not like in North Korea, where they serve justice and ask questions later (I mean “later” in the “after Kin Jong-Il is dead and someone is held responsible for considerable human rights violations” sense.)

The blathering on about Britain and riots doesn’t stop: there is a 400 year history of mollycoddled rioters in BE, so why not BC? Because we don’t want to repeat the mistakes of 1595. Remember the Battle of Calugareni? That’s what we in the history business call a grade-A fuck-up. But there are other threats to Vancouverites. For instance, wolves. Wolves, apparently, are blamed for the death of livestock; but Steven Hume won’t hear it. The livestock are dying all over the place!

What Hume doesn’t point out is that the slaughterhouse itself has a 100% kill rate for livestock. Why isn’t anyone looking into that? I’m sure Ted Nugent would love to track and kill an abattoir. You wouldn’t think of eating as an issue, but fats now outnumber starvings: who needs whose help now, right?

What bugs me is that Frankenfood is the name of the scientist, not the monster. You know who else is a monster? Smokers. As far as I’m concerned, it’s about time a newspaper took on smoked drivers, as well as adults smoking at spray parks and outdoor rinks. But that’s not what The Vancoiuver Sun does- NO! They wisely point out that drunkards are far worse, and we ought to cut smokers some slack. All they want is a break! A smoke break! And then another smoke break as soon as the last one has finished, followed by as many smoke breaks in a row they can manage until they are sweating and nauseous from too much nicotine. After that, all reasonable smokers are willing to then go about their business peacefully, smelling like a cross between a forest fire and a pile of mouldy newspapers.

Obviously, the next monster to tackle after Frankenfoods and smokers is shark fin soup. It’s hard to disagree with the idiotic argument that a shark wouldn’t think twice about eating you, but then, sharks aren’t cutting off your butt, tossing you back in the water to die and selling the butt for big chunks of cash. But they might, right? I say the main problem here is that we’re overpaying for shark fins. The market can work this out. Waste not, spend not, the market always says. Besides: isn’t there a conflict of interest if you’re pro-shark but anti-seal hunt?

Then Vancouver turns around and tells Ontario what to do: “Don’t you vote Hudak!” They tell us. “A vote for Hudak is a vote for pickup truck driving sex criminal obsessives who want to go around playing Batman.” It’s true: while you might not want a child molester living in a neighbourhood with children, the mental picture of someone who pores over the names on a sex criminal registry isn’t a much better mental picture than the mental picture of someone whose name is on a sex criminal registry.

Riots, perverts, sharks: throw ’em all in jail! That is, in fact, what caused the last election: whether or not everyone in Canada should be in jail, and Canadians voted “YES”. It’s always a big laugh when the right wing decide to legislate something, especially something abstract, like right and wrong. So funny, in fact, that editorial writers across our fine country fired all of their cheap shots:



About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read past volumes of No Good News [here]

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]