No Good News – Vol. XII

You know, gang, there’s more to Canadian news than just the 4 big papers out of Toronto.  What? Collins, shut up.  That’s categorically impossible.  The rest of Canada doesn’t even read.  In fact, it is so true that only Torontonians read that we refer to Canada outside of Toronto as “Illiterate Canada”.  Don’t believe me? Google it, smart guy.

The fact of the matter is that when you leave Toronto, you discover that Canada is a huge, weird country.  With lots of news sources, and I don’t mean just weird local versions of The Sun.  By the way- let me digress for a minute- how weird are other versions of The Sun?  I looked at the Ottawa Sun the other day and these were the cover stories:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What kind of bizarro world is Ottawa, anyway?  Well, to answer that question, I cast my gaze over at the Ottawa Citizen…

 

Ottawa is a place where they write articles about the weather, lots of articles, in fact, about the weather– and won’t shut up about Bluesfest- and how the weather changed Bluesfest.  In case you didn’t know (why would you?) the wind blew down the stage at Bluesfest this year.  Basically, Cheap Trick played I Want You To Want Me and nature said “No.”   A day to be remembered until next year’s Bluesfest,  then remembered again by someone else in 6 years for no reason.  “Hey, remember that time Cheap Trick were playing at Bluesfest and the wind blew down the stage?  No?  Let me google it.  No, I just keep getting videos of 25 year olds who still live with their parents playing I Want You To Want Me on their guitar.”

Ottawa is also a place where senior citizens hold a block hostage because they hate children.

The gist is that schoolbuses turn around on Angry Codger Crescent, sending already angry codgers into such a tizzy that after months of planning (July and August, presumably) the enraged geezers made a human blockade at one end of the street and made sure those busses knew who was boss.  This is our nation’s capital!

It’s also a place where people who are obviously spies get brutally murdered.  Trip to Australia?  Nicknamed “Flag”?  Well manicured lawn?  The body of a man in this 30s?  Do the math, people.  You believe that Tim Horton’s put nicotine in their coffee filters but you’re getting skeptical the second I talk about spies which are obviously real?

Editorially, the Citizen seems to subscribe to this weird “six of one, half a dozen of the other” philosophy, but their columnists are a different story.  Canada, meet David Warren!

He is a Calvinist!  WHAT?!  In his summation of work, part of an essay written for Labour Day, he says that workers are slaves- look at the buildings they work in!  But maybe not!  They win the lottery and stay slaves!  Rich slaves, sure, but slaves nonetheless!  That’s why volunteering is so beautiful.  God sees everything, so make better stuff.  A paper published in our nation’s capital printed this.

 

Warren thinks multiculturalism is for schizos, that he invented postmodernism to prove that Palestinians are just going to shoot Jewishes anyway, that the left are against churches and that he is an analytic philosopher.  Oh, look it up.

It’s not all deep thoughts and furrowed brows, though.  The Citizen also publishes a column by Joanne Chianello, the prettiest lady in all of Ottawa.

Look how big they run her picture at the top of her articles. And what kind of articles is she writing?  Tuition is too high?  The Drama school is doing better?  Why, here’s a video of Chianello on her way to work.  You get the feeling that she believes regular Citizen readers were watching the drama school story unfold.  I guess that’s what happens when you give the woodland creatures a buzzword like “financial crisis” and they set about helping you keep your job so you can focus on your date with the prince.

Of course, knowing that birds, deer and rabbits were de facto staff, the Citizen went ahead and hired a bulldog.  You may have noticed that he posts exclusively at midnight.  Mostly, I wonder if he’s using an iPad or not. He certainly seems to have the “insert the phrase vote grab as often as possible” app.

Boy, with this team of crack journalists keeping their eye on the Houses of Parliament, I know I sure feel safe and informed.

 

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About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read past volumes of No Good News [here]

 

 

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]