No Good News – Vol. VIII

The truth about the Toronto Star is that it isn’t a left-leaning paper, it isn’t a liberal paper, it isn’t even a centre-left news source.

It is a paper that adopts unreasonable radical-left stances on every issue to draw populist opinion towards the right wing by giving the impression that a socialist dictatorship is not only organized, but has the support to sustain a daily newspaper.

Edmund Pries (an Immanuel Goldstein alias if I ever heard of one) sums up Naomi Klein’s free-market Project Blue Book in his The-Mayor-Is-Dracula call-to-arms about manufactured crisis. You can almost see Pries rubbing his hands together, hoping for the kind of press Klein gets – possibly even penning his response years in advance (say, 1990). This Two Babylons isn’t even Pries first go at a solid New Coke: the “global studies” (is that supposed to be a bunch of poindexters poking a tennis ball with tweezers and a thermometer?) professor nailed Prime Minister Stephen Harper with a phantom time hypothesis about elections we had, what was it, two elections ago? Three?


Oh, but that’s not all. Health Canada is pumping you full of junk with sick, chemical pathogen tracer microchip meat needles, says David Hutton. Why, in 2011, is Hutton trying to sell you on a book that came out in 2008? I don’t know, but they can keep those Ritalin Lunchables and Hamburger Healers and Mr. Infecty’s Pastrami Poppers away from me.



Hold on: it says here at the bottom that Hutton is the Executive Director of “FAIR” (yeah, me neither). Flipping through, some other “drink the Flavor Aid” piece telling me not to go nuts and sell everything I own – sorry, telling me “Don’t Panic” (which is the international signal for “PANIC!”) is by some schmo from the “Smith School Of Business” – they sure seem “Serious About Success“.

So I get to thinking, what they hey? Does anyone actually work for The Star?

Well, they have a smart-aleck answer for that. Principles? Not just one set, but two.

I like to imagine that these two fellows are the ones that came up with 375 words chastising parents at soccer games for yelling at kids.

The Star has some regulars, though. Don’t let me steer you wrong. There’s friend to the elderly, Carol Goar– who reminds us that old lesbians who can’t read left all their money to their husbands- for the sake of justice!- need all the laws changed because the olds are just not going to go look at some website. Say, here’s a photo of the near future, when they make retiring illegal.

Christopher Hume is a hit-machine, too. His Herculean ability to finger-wag is unmatched, as far as I’m concerned.


The keystone in The Star’s castle of columnists, however, has got to be Heather Mallick. She hates everything the right like: praying, leaving rich people’s stuff alone, making money off your kids by sexualizing them, racism, abortions, even Margaret Atwood. Jesus, she even wants us to pay for people’s reverse-abortions . Actually, to be perfectly honest, I think she’s being sardonic in the IVF one, but I can’t tell for sure. She compares them to conservatives. Does that mean she hates babies, too?

The Star makes Christianity leftist, they make business leftist, they make sports leftist, they make dogs leftist, they make LARPing leftist, they make communists leftist, they make the police shooting a deer in front of its children leftist, they even make Europe leftist. Europe, for crying out loud.

What do you think he has in that blue folder? Judging by the look on his face, I’d say pages torn out of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. Later, he’ll be trying to keep the folder out of reach and whining, “Nooooooooo, you’re going to fooooolllllllld theeeemmmmmm.”

I can’t will myself to believe that the entire editorial board didn’t know that “reaching around” was going to get some giggles. None of us are too big for that.


About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read past volumes of No Good News [here]

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]

  • pengoo

    Didn’t Cartman’s mom try to have a reverse abortion?

  • Joseph D. Beldick

    naomi klien is sexy.