No Good News – Vol. VII

On Friday, as I walked past the newsstand in the weird food court where I buy my coffee, I looked over that the papers. The first thing I noticed was that The Toronto Sun was playing a game of “One Of These Things Just Doesn’t Belong Here”.

The Star, The Globe, and The Post all had headlines about the US economy destroying the lives of millions by irresponsibly two-hundredth mortgaging itself to get fake tans for a wedding it has to go to; The Sun’s cover story was an editorial decrying muslim honour killings in Toronto.

Before I could ask, “Do they know it’s Ramadan?”, I asked myself a bigger question: what world does The Sun want us to believe it lives in?

In a nutshell, The Sun’s editorial position is this: Democracy is under attack by feminists, Quebec, socialists, communists and Arabs. This is what the official opposition looks like. And if the NDP wants to survive, it has to cut ties to these threats to democracy, which is solely the domain of white capitalists who do not believe in equal rights for women and Aladdins.

In addition, The Sun’s editorial board believes 2 things that absolutely no-one else believes: a) that people who vote NDP are likely to take the opinion of The Sun seriously, and b) that Sun readers are going to give advice to NDP supporters that they know and talk to.

You should see what they have to say about the Liberal Party. “Fibs”. That’s what they have to say about the Liberals.

Adamant gay / black / Muslim / communist opponent Michael Coren paints a picture of a world under attack by terrorists who feel safe blaming Jews for black people inevitably shooting each other when more than 2 black people are present. Watch him connect those dots – and then marvel at the fact that he actually believes what he’s saying. So much so, in fact, that he talks himself out of realizing that the column is basically hate speech by saying the real racism would be to deny that shooting each other is part of black culture. Take that “latte liberals”! You know: because a willingness to pay taxes is an attribute of the wealthy elite.

Fucking up the Gayrablacommunocialist party parade machine doesn’t stop at Coren.

Ezra Levant denounces the US and Canada for not bombing Syria back into the stone age, despite the fact that the US just took a hit on their credit rating and continue to spend trillions of dollars on a war that they will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever win. He wonders why the eff we’re in Libya when we don’t buy oil from them. So, come on! A brutal dictator is killing protestors in Syria, here, and we can go kill that motherfucker.

You can wonder what Sue-Ann Levy thinks we ought to do with taxes (hint: not spend them), you can wonder what the difference between a Peter Worthington report and a Peter Worthington column is (it’s not the presence or absence of an opinion amounting to “You kids get off my property”), and you can wonder when high-school dropout and former Ontario Education Minister (figure THAT math out) John Snobelen became such an expert in Canadian literature and the cutting-edge of information.

But The Sun also believes that it is on the cutting edge– or, at least, it wants its readers to believe that it is on the cutting edge.

At the same time, it knows what its readers want- babes! Sure, everybody knows the Sunshine Girl (has anyone else noticed that yoga instructors are more common than “aspiring model/actresss/cheerleader” now?), but they manage to fit babes into political coverage, too.

The Sun’s vernacular can be best characterized by the words scam, punk, obit, chopper, spy, perv, wacko, gravy, egghead, buddy, genius, tot, hero, vet, cop, porn, beauties- you get the idea. It’s like a cop show, or hanging out at the Legion.

But at the same time, they try and shape that into a classic-rock, motorbike middle-class common-sense can’t-be-labelled-because-we’re-us voice of the people that isn’t putting words in the mouth of the people vibe. Big Brother in the Sun’s hands is playing you “Ohio” while you pay your respect to a vet.

Wait, I got that wrong. Babes are paying respect to a vet.

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About the author: Matt Collins reads and judges the four major newspapers every week.

You can read other volumes of No Good News [here]

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]