No Good News – Vol. IX

The Globe and Mail is a big deal in Canada. It’s not the oldest, or even the most popular, but it’s the Paper of Record.

Though it seems like a crazy joke, the paper really is the result of the liberal paper The Globe and the conservative paper The Mail. I like to believe that the two staffs are segregated in the Globe and Mail offices.

The Globe and Mail is, pretentiously, one of two papers in Canada for “smart” people.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!

King’s horses! King’s men! All the Globe and Mail sees is the government standing in the way of the individual’s destiny to be smashed to bits after exercising their right to have a great fall. The government, guest columnist Preston Manning insists, should be a facilitator. That sounds perfectly reasonable, and the allusion to historical figure and notable egg Humpty Dumpty entirely apt.

You know, I’m going to go an extra step further and say that I think Preston believes that the origin of the Humpty Dumpty rhyme lies in enlightenment-era skepticism about big government.

But to say the Globe doesn’t like big government isn’t true – these guys, they’re multifaceted! Just like Washington, DC, says Konrad Yakabuski (I don’t buy the name for a second, either) insisting that Barack Obama is caught in a Bermuda Triangle made up of Dr. King (of course), Abe Lincoln and Tommy Jefferson. Except Lincoln knew about black pain.

How’s Obama going to get anywhere without channelling black pain? Clearly, he needs to lose his shit more often. To get in touch with his black side. And black voters, who are always losing their shit. And if he doesn’t do it soon, whitey’s going to eat his lunch!

Obama can’t walk on water! Are you crazy? So says the Globe’s Bonmotinatrix, Margaret Wente, on the topic of President Wimp. Sometimes, when I read Wente’s columns, I feel like Gordon Ramsay when he’s trying the menu that the chef thinks is “fine” and he eats a bit of chocolate-coated prawn and then barfs in the kitchen in front of the chef and says, “You could have poisoned me! How many people have you poisoned? Shit!”

She certainly has a way with punchlines, even if her premise is nearly always insane, but I would insist that she’s playing the role of a faux-intellectual conservative feminist Howard Stern. That’s the place she’s coming from, and it has resulted in some satirical triumphs for Canada’s adult Mad Magazine.

She skewers monogamy and sluts with the same generous wit which leads her to believe that Jewishes and Non-Jewishes will never get along because of a difference of opinion on genital mutilation. Also, she brings to the table some of the most incisive class analysis ever written by someone who doesn’t believe in socialism.

Angry mobs date back at least as far as a smaller group of people having more and better things than a large group of people. Both sides of the dispute debate as to whether or not the group they are against are idiots or evil, or both. Generally, though, the angry mobs are content to wait a number of years before organizing to do anything; this is referred to as “democracy”. Recently, however, an increasing number of people are not content to wait. In places where Canadians do not feel that democracy is working, we say, “Oh, NOW they have democracy.” But in places that we insist we are the sequel to, like England, we call it looting, even if the core principles are the same. This is because we only tolerate angry mobs if they loot after a hockey game, and then publicly apologize.

Canadians work too hard, says qualified society expert John Ibbitson. Relax! Whaddaya wanna work so hard for? Did you know that Europeans basically never work? Like, two weeks a year. The opposite of Canadians working for fifty weeks a year. Also, it’s perfectly well-reasoned for a nation to compare itself to a continent that it is roughly the same size as (give or take 195,330 km). It’s because they don’t believe in rights, says Ibbitson. We’re more like Asians, who don’t believe in rights at all. Moreover, rightless Asians are bringing rightlessness with no vacations to Canada at a remarkable rate, so we’d better get used to not ever having time off from work. But man, look at those Europeans living it up:

With geniuses like Wente and Ibbitson giving their two cents every week to Canada’s smartest readers, it’s no small wonder that The Globe is also where Mensa-level Canadians turn to for up-to-date men’s grooming tips, detailed instructions on shaking a five year old’s sense of reality by demonstrating the arbitrary nature of how we measure time, casual interviews with a woman who is so beautiful that even her deeply colonial name is beautiful, or even something as menial as the etiquette surrounding divorce pranks.

Yes, Humpty Dumptys everywhere are falling like crazy. And it’s up to Canada’s smartest newspaper in a draw with Canada’s other smartest newspaper (we’ll have a look at those Johnny-Come-Latelies next week) to shine a light on the clear and simple fact that the efficiency of sending the king’s men is debatable, but that it is clearly wasteful spending to send the king’s horses to put a daredevil fence-sitting egg back together again.


About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]

  • DarkStar

    I check the Globe from time to time (I’m American). Yeah I see what you’re getting at. Overall though trust me, you’re really lucky to have that paper.

  • Danny DeVito

    As a mensan I take issue with your assumption that we all read the Globe.. I only the Journal… so there (the Ecconomist too)

    • SinSin