Forecast Realist Future: Your horoscope for the week of August 21th-27th

Capricorn

Your ongoing insistence that you are of Chinese ethnicity will not prevent DJ Jazzy Jeff and Meryl Streep from claiming you as their love child.

Aquarius

After discovering that beer goggles and mirrors make a perfect combination, you will have a reemergence of faith in yourself. It will not last

Pisces

Neckbeards will be all the rage on Tuesday. Enjoy your 1440 minutes of fame.

Aries

This week will resemble those long plastic sheets you used to throw water on and slide down in the backyard as a child. And by that I mean by Sunday your skin complexion will approximate grass stains.

Taurus

You are a DeVry and the world is a U of T. Try harder this week.

Gemini

I’ve always loved saying “Gemini”, so I’ll be easy on you this week. For it’s best not to worry about Friday’s personal calamities if you can’t do anything to avoid them.

Cancer

Yes, we see you flashing your Kindle. It doesn’t make up for your kindling.

Leo

Remember that fight with the evil exes two weeks ago, when it turned out (s)he was really a (s)he? Turns out I was wrong… and that was your last chance for true love this lifetime. Sorry, (s)bro, no hard feelings?

Virgo

Last week was really difficult for you. This one will be easy: comas don’t take much effort.

Libra

You will be invited to a trivia competition with Wolf Blitzer. You will lose.

Scorpio

Yes, I have a fifty’fifty chance to predict your future correctly every week. And yes, I have been spot-on over the past five weeks. This does not, however, increase the chances I’ll be wrong this time– this false belief is known as the Gambler’s Fallacy. And anyway, your life has been in syndication for years – I’ll never incorrectly predict a rerun.

Sagittarius

You will realize that Michael Bubble is not the correct pronunciation by the end of this sentence.