Forecast Realist Future: Your horoscope for the week of August 28th-September 3rd

Capricorn

ViolentAcrez will name you a Mod on Tuesday. The FBI will name you a dangerous offender on Wednesday.

Aquarius

We’ve been putting it off for a long time, but your friends will finally sit you down and tell you this week: dude, the Black & White music video came out two decades ago. We know you enjoy making people smile, but it’s just not appropriate to hang out at middle schools grabbing your crotch every two seconds; I don’t think the younger generation is getting the reference.

Pisces

After discovering a portrait of your significant other has garnered 500 karma on r/EarthPorn, it will dawn on you that it may be time to shop around.

Aries

You will have yet another one of those recurring dreams about losing your teeth. Upon awakening you’ll laugh it off upon realizing you’re a duck. The laughs will quickly end when you come to grips with living in a Kaftaesque nightmare world, but at least you’ll give future readers of your biography something to feel existential about.

Taurus

You will end your attempts at grabbing life by the horns when you realize that at the level you’ve sunk, the only horns left are kazoos.

Gemini

You will land a lead role in Babygeniuses 3. For the rest of your life you’ll earn a living wearing your trademark diaper and signing autographs at cult film conventions.

Cancer

You will realize your webcam has been on since you bought your computer and I’m staring at you right now. Oh, hi babe.

Leo

You will somehow stumble across this page by Googling “Horoscope for the week” (as many have, by the way), and upon reading it realize that astrology is 100%, no-questions-asked, absolute word-for-word the truth, and that terrible things will happen to you and your pets if you don’t bookmark this site.

Virgo

You will take a tab of acid, stare at The Sun, and go blind. Yeah Michael Coren tends to do that.

Libra

You will ask a narwhal when he bacons and get punched in the face. Guess your Jewdar needs some fine-tuning.

Scorpio

You’ll find out that all this time you thought you were speaking French it was really just a gibbeish mash-up of nonsensical phenomes, resembling a cross between Pepe LePew and Pingoo. It will be mildly disheartening, being your first language and all.

Sagittarius

Your years of effort will finally pay off when you make a breakthrough in your permanent deodorant experiments. The scent will still take some hammering down and you’ll now carry a whiff of cheese and onions, but it doesn’t matter that no one will want to hang out anymore because now you’re rich! Right…?