Forecast Realist Future: Your horoscope for the week of August 7th-13th

Capricorn

Your will try to make your history class fascist in order to prove to outsiders how easy it would be for another Hitler to come to power. It will succeed on Wednesday, they will invade Poland on Friday, you’ll be convicted for crimes against humanity on Saturday and spend the rest of your life in a cell with Charles Taylor. I heard he likes diamond mining.

Aquarius

You’ll hug a kangaroo on Tuesday in Yonkers, New York and be the first to get arrested for one of those wacky laws in decades. Your 25 to life prison sentence will hearten the world. No, just kidding. You won’t have any impact on our lives.

Pisces

Remember that scene from Magnolia when it rains frogs? Picture that, with giant centipedes, and you’ll have a fair description of what will happen to you on Thursday. And yes, they have learned to shoot lasers out of their eyes. I don’t know how. The miracle of evolution I guess.

Aries

Remember POGs? Remember Slammers? Remember those really big Slammers that the kid with the rat-tail stole off all your schoolyard chums? You are a rain-soaked POG that one time had a picture of the Great Zazoo from the Flinstones, but has now become a faint outline of its former self, which nobody liked anyway because that guy destroyed the show. The slammer? Come Sunday the allegory will crystallize.

Taurus

In your future I’m seeing…. a sinkhole. You’ll have to wait till Friday to see if it’s literal or figurative.

Gemini

You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends. But you can’t pick out a better outfit?

Cancer

You will get crabs. Hey, it’s better than the other obvious disease-related pun on your sign. Enjoy.

Leo

You will fight seven evil exes only to discover (s)he’s really a (s)he.

Virgo

After learning that the youngest daughter from Family Matters is now a porn actress, you will have five minutes of pleasure and spend the rest of your life in shame.

Libra

You will realize that Libra is just the effeminate form of Leo.

Scorpio

Males: Did you know that irregularity in the testes is a good indicator for the future possibility of contracting testicular cancer? I’m serious. I’ve also just predicted your next action.

Females: Come on, anything we can do you can do better. Prove it. Perform the action.

Sagittarius

Whatever you do, don’t drink eat or breathe this week.