Forecast Realist Future: Your horoscope for the week of August 14th – 20th

Capricorn

Imagine a world where everyone but Capricorns had died, leaving you to finally frolic free of the non-seagoats, making sweet seagoat love all the seagoat-long day. Now imagine a world ruled by Kim Jong Il. If given a choice, what would most people choose? How does that make you feel?

(Art by Lynette Shelley)

Aquarius

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like the one about to hit the back of your head.

Pisces

Our group of friends have been discussing it over and we all have come to the conclusion that you just need to get to grips with the fact that Marge Simpson is a fictional character. That means you can imagine doing anything to her and not feel guilty. High five!

Aries

Would you have let your children sleep in a bed with Michael Jackson? If no, you’re a terrible person. He’s dead, dude, have some respect. Very talented man.

Taurus

Everyone has a talent for distinguishing and critiquing one type of food. For some it’s wine. For some it’s cheddar. For you it’s dog breeds.

Gemini

You will realize that every prediction I’ve made is wrong, making me an equal of the prophets, and create a new religion with me as your God-King. Except now that it’s a prediction I’ve just created a paradox. You created this religion yesterday, right?

Cancer

You will realize the reason you dislike ebooks is that you can’t eat them. That’s right, we all know you’re a paper-eater.

Leo

My hot tub pump will break and I will blame it on you. Because Taylor isn’t that kind of boy.

Virgo

You will realize that just as 0.999 infinity is equal to 1, 0.000…infinity… 1 is equal to 0, which means if the present – the space between the past and the future- is infinitesimal, it is actually equal to 0.

Libra

Have you ever noticed there weren’t any ladies in the Barenaked Ladies? Astute observations such as this will make you crave your weekly fix.

Scorpio

You will discover that the McDonald’s Monopoly sticker you threw out last Wednesday was your ticket to fame and riches.

Sagittarius

They call it stormy Monday, Tuesday’s just as bad, Wednesday’s worse, and it all goes downhill from there.

  • http://provocativepenguin.com Seamus Gearin

    All I can say is that I’m glad I’m not a Virgo or a Scorpio this week.
    Also, I couldn’t feel the fruit fly hit the back of my head as I’m in need of a hair trim. Thanks for telling me, the poor little guy was stuck… I crushed him.