The City of Ford: A brave new world

Mayor Ford received widespread support in last year’s election, vaulting the home-(over)grown Tea-Partier to power in our fair City of Toronto.  Widespread support.  An interesting way of describing his base, which stretched from Etobicoke to Scarborough; misleading though, as there was a giant gap in the middle, leaving the electoral map of Ford’s support looking like one of our gluttonous mayor’s beloved half-eaten Tim Horton’s donuts nestled against the banks of Lake Ontario.  Who didn’t vote for him?  Torontonians!  Well, real Torontonians.  I don’t want to alienate any of my myriad of fans dwelling in the periphery of this great city, but if you live in old North York, you know where you really live, and it isn’t Toronto.  Thanks to the abysmal wisdom of the Mike Harris government, Toronto was forced against its will to accept its municipal neighbours into the fold, forming what came to be known as the Megacity.  Now, over decade after the 1998 merger that failed to accomplish any of its stated goals, the government’s action has come back to haunt us once again like an unwanted after-party baby… and his name is Rob Ford.

Scarborough, Etobicoke, East York, North York, and York, I understand where you are coming from.  Downtown Toronto (Old Toronto) has everything:  money, culture, beautiful architecture, arts and entertainment, nightlife, une raison d’être.  By comparison, you have more in common with Brampton than NYC or Paris.  I suppose it was the aching insecurity and inevitable inferiority complex that must accompany living so close to greatness that made you exact your revenge on us real Torontonians.  I don’t blame you, but I do want you out of my city!

They fired the first salvo at Toronto, and in so doing they have declared war.  In response, I propose we separate and form our own city, Old Toronto.  Might I suggest the following city lines:

Look familiar?  It should.  This is how we divided ourselves only a dozen or so years ago, before another inept government mashed us together in a misguided attempt to cut costs.  Let the periphery have each other, they can rename themselves the City of Ford and live in a Huxley-esque dystopia.  Sure, they’ll have us surrounded, but we’ll have everything else, including, I hope, a real leader that inspires pride in our city, promotes culture, the arts, and invests in green infrastructure and public transportation… the list goes on.  Hell, at this point I’d take anyone who isn’t a complete fucking idiot.

-Danny

About Danny DeVito

Danny DeVito is one of Canada's premier thinkers. He graces the pages of Provocative Penguin with his unique and rare form of genius. His keen eye for talented artists, insight into political affairs, and cunning linguistic skills pale only in comparison to his chiselled good looks. Some say he is a God. Here at Provocative Penguin, we just call him Danny. You can read Danny’s other posts on PP [here]

  • Belle

    I love it! Especially the title.

  • http://provocativepenguin.com Cait

    Great article Danny! Amalgamation totally screwed real Torontonians. Can we do a mulligan?

  • http://provocativepenguin.com Seamus Gearin

    “…looking like one of our gluttonous mayor’s beloved half-eaten Tim Horton’s donuts nestled against the banks of Lake Ontario.”

    This is a great metaphor. However, I doubt the mayor would leave a donut half-eaten.

  • Kayle Donner

    As much as I support de-amalgamation, it BLOWS MY MIND that if such a thing took place I’d be living in one municipality then commuting every day through the one I was born in to get to my job in a third. I swear we’d elect the gangster-est mayor in York…

  • SinSin

    A true politician would be very alarmed at such polarization. Would come into office, and dance a fine dance, play to his supporters while reassuring the naysayers, bring them into the fold.

    Rob Ford is a failure, athough I think he had a place as a Councillor. Anybody else think we should be paying our mayors more? I mean if this is the quality we get at our current price….

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