Capricorn- You will be sued. By me.
Aquarius- Sailor Moon wasn’t as fictional as one would like to think.
Pisces- All I can say is there’s a bed stain and the number three involved. But it’s not what you think.
Aries- It will start on a Monday and end on a Sunday.
Taurus- If a man in a blue cape hands you a note, message me. ‘Cause I’m really just making this shit up and that would be an incredible coincidence.
Gemini- Bessie Smith did not die. She lives on in your heart. You’ve just gotta believe.
Cancer- You will finally get the “big break” you’ve always longed for as a starving-actor-turned-temporary-waiter. It will be as Tommy Wiseau’s gay love interest in The Room 3D.
Leo- You will win the lottery. You will use the three bucks to buy another scratch ticket.
Virgo- Prince Harry will invite you to his castle for tea and crumpets. But only if you agree to get a swastika tattoo on your fanny (remember: this hurts more in England).
(Illustration: Malcolm Jamison)
Libra- You will eat out of the garbage for the very last time, and get put down.
Scorpio- You will complete a crossword for the first and only time in your life. It will be from the TV Guide.
Sagittarius– You will be heartbroken when you discover your life was just an elaborate set-up for a Geico commercial.