No Good News – Vol. Threesome

Conrad Black opened up a can of the ass-whip in the pages of the National Post this past Saturday (July 9, 2011), and my world stopped and watched.

John Moore, the not-fully house trained” Toronto talk radio host, wrote a “reality check” for Canada’s best-loved Dark Lord Of The Sith Conrad Black. And Lord Conrad Black responded. Spectacularly.

Now, some background might be necessary here: John Moore gave a vicious tongue-lashing to Ann Coulter (get your mind out of the gutter) which Lord Black could not allow to go unchallenged, referring to Coulter as a “voluptuous school mistress” and “gamey” (alright, keep your mind in the gutter). Yes, the title DOES evoke threesomes. Yes, you ought to read it because it is bizarre, oddly aroused, and involves a reference to Kafka.

She’s beautiful.

Moore laments that Baron Black Of Crossharbour’s “twilight years” (he’s 67, but notably, does not call Moore out on his poor math skills) will be spent wasting away apart from his wife, in prison, where criminals go, because “that’s what happens to people who break the law”.

Implausible French Revolution allusions aside, and oh look! There’s “gamey” again, we need to look at the meat of Moore’s piece.

First of all, he attempts to beat Black at a game of words; Black, of course, owns the entire English language, so defeat is inevitable. Moore proceeds courageously: “florid”! Oh, but also this:

And as if the romantic beauty of the French language weren’t enough, he tosses in some references to Oliver Sacks. The saga of Conrad Black is, apparently, one of a Septuagenarian Aphasiac set in Paris at the end of the 18th century. Or, depending on who you believe, it is the story of a Baby Boomer UCC expellant who defrauded Hollinger shareholders.

Above all else, though, Moore points his finger at Black’s supporters, elites in an ecstatic state of burbling, he says, whose surprise at the verdict astonishes and resembles a first-year philosophy course:

Moore condemns Black’s actions, but in a way explains them as something Black is damned to do as a member of the privileged looting-and-larceny class. So it’s not all his fault?


Encomiums? Ermine robes? I don’t know about all of that, but in the end, Moore just wants Black to admit that he’s a bad guy. History will judge you, Conrad. Are you gonna side with history?

Well, Lord Black knows his history:


Taken aback? Confused? Let’s roll back a couple of paragraphs. A weary Lord Black warms up by comparing Moore to a puppy, suggesting also that his article is exactly like peeing on the carpet. So, Black is either going to hit Moore on the nose with a rolled up newspaper or put him down. Rub his nose in it? That’s what servants are for. And the master of the house is really in the house this week. Post readers are tired of hearing about this crap, anyway. Just like Conrad Black is tired of living it. We’re all tired of the “travails” (lookitup).

It’s an “acidulous farrago” or something. Anyhow, don’t waste your time. American justice? It’s a circus filled with injustice and puppets. Puppets. Solomon is rolling in his goddamned grave. Don’t you step up to Conrad Black with your “unctuous bourgeois priggishness”. All the Americans are in jail anyway. The United States isn’t a democracy. And CB don’t give a fuck.

Well, something like that.

At the end of the day, Black says, he just wants to be a Canadian, not a penis.

Who is John Moore, anyway? Who does he think he is, handing out reality checks?

Oh no you didn’t, John Moore. Oh no, you didn’t.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]