No Good News – Vol. II

I tend to get my Canada Day coverage from the Sun.

Because it is absolutely appropriate to interview the grandmother of a nude model, it follows that is is absolutely appropriate to quote that grandmother of a nude model after quoting the nude model about FWB (sic) relationships.

It’s also appropriate, no, necessary, to mention feminists in an article about a bikini contest.

See? Bikini contests make everybody happy.

On the topic of The Sun, in this week’s edition of Heather Mallick’s inappropriate Analogies: Sun TV is like watching videos of surgery. Sure, that stands to reason, once you watch both at the same time. It’s almost a compliment to Krista Erickson, if you think of her as a tumour being removed.

Week after week, the Star betrays its erudition and alienates the readers it hopes to save from the clutches of its nemesis, the Toronto Sun. This week, Mallick takes the point by comparing Krista Erickson’s opinion of modern dance to pig swill and then some Richie Rich cheese you can’t even buy at Loblaw’s called “Delice de Bourgogne”. Let’s have a look at Delice de Bourgogne:

And as we continue on this rollercoaster of pathological comparison, let’s see a pepino:

If your turn of phrase requires that you explain what a delightful but rarely seen in Canada melon is, your editor should have pulled the brake long ago. But, by far, the most Wastelandesque phrase Mallick fits into this, cerebral-at-best, editorial:

Unfortunately, the word-defecit left by Mallick’s tour-de-force verse leaves a what ought to have been stellar article on moonshine -ahem- dry, save for one well placed “hooch” and an incredibly brave “mystery booze”.

Canada is special! So says a royal- well, sort of. Canada being special, according to an ex-somebody and “51-year-old mother” (you shut your mouth!) begs the question: “What’s wrong with England?”

Google didn’t help.

Neither did ask.com.

… Football! All they care about is their linear-named version of soccer! That’s what’s wrong with England!

The Globe and Mail’s leftist whipping-boy, Marcus Gee, scrutinizes Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s poor decision to not attend the Pride Parade, and in the middle of it all laments the state of Internet haters: “Editors were kept busy deleting many far worse remarks from their web sites.” Of course, this begs the question: WHY IS THERE A COMMENTS SECTION AT ALL? For Internet democracy? Here are some of the cactus-shrivelling, scarily stupid comments that didn’t get deleted:

It almost makes not having an opinion, ever, seem like the only sane option.

A virtual Hercules of the having an opinion camp, Barbara Kay bravely chastises the unrapeds for ruining accusing rapists by rapeds. Wait, what?

Ne plus ultra, indeed, Ms. Kay. Note that she wisely includes herself in the category of “jailed majority”.

Who else needs shaming? Why, Quebec does.

“Parasite go home?” Teaching royal-loving (as they should be) children lessons in noisy Quebec protests? While Kate wore a grey Kensington dress by Catherine Walker? You don’t have to be a monarchist to see that they were just there to visit those dying of cancer who wish to be on TV.

Speaking of the royal couple, the wild turkeys in Barrie have switched papers this week and stepped up their game by playing chicken.

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]

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