Capricorn – Henry Kissinger will fuck you up.
Aquarius – Life, with a chance of death.
Pisces – You will discover that the mystery of life is Drink your Ovaltine, and throw a hissy fit in front of the entire Senate.
Aries – You will be mistaken for the ghost of Jim Varney.
Taurus – Your roommate’s hidden camera in the bathtub will lead to hilarious results when you become the world’s biggest meme.
Gemini – You will be reminded by a sentence in your weekly horoscope that you are the only person lame enough to read your weekly horoscope.
Cancer – You will meet a tall dark deranger.
Leo – You’ll enter the week a sardine, and close as a giant squid.
Virgo – If you don’t know proper etiquette for an adult bris, better start preparing now.
Libra – I’d tell you but you’d cancel your internet service.
Scorpio – You’ll only hear your favourite songs on the radio, your boss will thank you for a job well done, your body will transform significantly towards your ideal weight, and I’ll be cited by the CRTC for making false statements in a horoscope.
Sagittarius – If your significant other asks how your day was on Friday, (s)he’s most definitely cheating on you.