You will stop saying, “I don’t watch TV” in a condescending tone when it dawns on you that you lack it because you can’t afford it.
You will switch to Internet Explorer in an effort to prove you’re “hip”. This will impress exactly one woman, but it will all be worth it when the resulting fling leads to an hilarious real-life reenactment of Eraserhead. Well, hilarious for me; not for you.
When God dealt the poker hands you were a 2 7 offsuit. This week you’re all in. First position. And the rest of the world is Phil Ivey. Try your best not to cry.
You’ll make an “Eata BigMeal” joke around a group of fifteen-year-olds and no one will get it, forcing you to consider updating your repertoire of fat jokes.
You will have a cheerful week. Until a serial killer with the identical first, middle, and last name as yours makes international headlines. Enjoy the rest of your unemployed life.
Your five-year-old kid will ask you why Santa Claus is still healthy after smoking a pipe for 150 years. You will email me asking for advice. But there is no advice to be given– whatever answer you give will make you a bad parent.
Your week will take a peculiar turn swhen you learn that the Cranberries’ song “Zombie” was actually about you.
The stars are in a perfect alignment this week for you to shave your pubes.
You will laugh at Thursday’s Family Circus and immediately get checked into CAMH.
You will announce a hiatus to your musical career, purportedly to spend more time with your family, but really because you can’t stand singing the same god damned song a thousand more times.
You will start asking yourself if you’re too one-dimensional when acquaintances start putting on 3d glasses every time they look at you.
Be prepared to beat thy baker. Off.