No Good News – Vol. I

“STOP THE PRESSES,” called out the National Post’s editorial board. (“We just had the most insightful, fit-to-print discussion about dead Jackass star Ryan Dunn. Get it on the website, STAT!” And thank God, say National Post readers: Chris Selley gets his liberal ass handed to him on a goddamned plate, which will please Lord Black in the Palace of Unending Evil. Or should I say, would please, now that his “legal travails” (I guess that’s one way of putting it) have taught us no fewer than six valuable “lessions” by which we may have a yardstick to fully understand the shackles put upon this redoubtable luminary (if we’re going to agree to travails). In fact, the Post quite literally cannot say enough about their malfeasant former publisher.

“One-up those ascot wearing preppies”, of course, is the mantra at the Toronto Sun when it comes to leading the plebes into indentured servitude beneath the rich, and one up the Post they can and will every time- be more like Singapore? As in the land of the free and the home of hangings? In the Health and Fitness section of the paper? Well, they are 116 points ahead of us. That’s how that works, right? Fuck it, let’s just give Amanda the last word. Note: she isn’t wearing tighty whities, and before you try and excuse that, remember that black and white aren’t colours.

Meanwhile, someone ought to tell the Toronto Star that if you don’t want liberals to come off as snooty elites also trying to manipulate plebes, you should maybe cool it with the cocktail talk. No way- it can’t be that bourgeois, can it? Not-for-profit, sure… communal, that might be pushing it… and there it is. From the peak of “hors d’oeuvres” to the valley of “fated to stain clothing”. Then it’s a wild orgy of defense attorneys for crackheads pouring cucumber gin on ceviche (whatever that is) with a bunch of their downtown hipster buddies. Have you seen a hipster? Even hipsters hate hipsters. And you can bet they all vote NDP. And you know what that means. Taxes. Then again, with all the money we’re not giving restaurants by using Groupon, we can afford the taxes. Only a turkey can’t see how bulletproof the math is.

Editorial cartoonist Brian Gable’s 9 Year old son really worked some magic with his Laurentian pencil crayons this week. That’s OK, the Globe’s editors CLEARLY WON’T NOTICE, NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WITH READING COMPREHENSION THE THING AN EDITOR IS SUPPOSED TO NOTICE IS. FOR INSTANCE:

Or maybe they were distracted by the idea of a chimpanzee playing darts? Well, an expert handed a chimpanzee a dartboard to test the veracity of claims made by experts, and then handed the findings over to the Globe And Mail (side note: do the staff of the Globe and Mail divide along “Globe” or “Mail” lines? Is “Globe” the social liberal half, and “Mail” the fiscal conservative faction? I beg of you: email me. My wife is sick of hearing about it.)

About Matt Collins

Matt Collins is a musician (Ninja High School), cartoonist (Sexy), jock (Manhunt), and comedian (Matt Collins) in Toronto, Ontario. Please buy more Matt Collins. [Other Posts By Matt]